Revving up an 18-year marriage?

Dear Dr. Milrod:

I am setting up a hotel weekend for my wife that will blow her mind away. Having been married for over 18 years I am looking for ideas to spice things up. What can I do?

Harry Hope

Dear Harry Hope:

You are not stating whether or not this is a surprise weekend; still, asking her what “spiciness” she would wish for, prior to going away, is a great beginning. The issue is that women are highly individualized in their preferences. Things that turn one woman off can be a great aphrodisiac to another. Focusing on her is always a great idea. You could get some massage oil or cream and give her entire body a wonderful rubdown…very slowly, while her favorite music is playing in the background. Try to resist the urge to make it explicitly sexual in the beginning. Explore the sensual aspect of massaging her body. Let her enjoy every stroke. Having her favorite beverage nearby is also good. Dimming the lights and lighting some candles seem to be a favorite mood enhancer with most people.

Above all, go s-l-o-w-l-y. Most women do not like rushing. Women are more oxytocin-dependent than men; the more you caress a woman, the more oxytocin is released in her brain, priming her for more nitric oxide reaching her genitals and giving her more bang for her buck. Caresses are like female Viagra. Sometimes, men don’t take their time to caress in a non-sexual way. And yet, that is what turns most women on. Getting their hair caressed, their necks nuzzled, tiny kisses all over – all at a snail’s pace, to give her body time to rev up for the grand finale.

You might also bring her a gift of some boudoir wear. Unless she is comfortable with her body, try to resist the urge to come home with something made of just a few strips of fabric. The majority of adult women who are subject to the relentless media imagery of supertaut vixens and who don’t resemble them in the slightest will feel self-conscious and unable to focus on their enjoyment when wearing something too exotic. But everyone can feel feminine in a short see-through chiffon robe and some thigh-high stockings. A pair of beautiful high heels might also do the trick. After all, she only has to wear them in bed. More than anything else, tell her that you find her incredibly sexy and desirable and show it. If there is anything that will rev up a female, it is knowing that she is the object of a man’s complete desire.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

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