My problem is anal sex – I just can’t get enough

Dear Dr. Milrod:

I’m a good-looking straight male in my 30’s and I’ve got this intense fetish with female butts. I love everything about them – touching them, feeling them, licking them, rimming them, and ramming my penis inside them during anal sex. I shouldn’t admit this and I know it sounds mean, but if I never had to look at a woman’s face again during sex, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. With women I’ve dated in the past, I’ve always kept somewhat of a lid on my “obsession.” As I rapidly approach 40 and never having been married, I really wonder if I’ll ever meet a woman who understands my deep-seated desires. Every time I date a new woman, I’m really afraid to “open up” to her about it. The vast majority of the time I start mentioning anal sex, they instantly judge me and rapidly change the subject. I’ve dated several hundred women in my life and I’ve only met about 10 who were into anal sex.  I guess part of the reason I haven’t married yet is because I want to be satisfied only by a woman who will give me anal sex. I’m so consumed at the thought of anal sex that I just know I would cheat on my future wife if she didn’t provide it. Why do most women hate anal sex so much and what should I do to meet a woman who enjoys it so much like me so I can get married someday? Should I marry a porn star? Do I need psychological help to cure me of my fetish/obsession that is seemingly out of control?

Posterior Rule

Dear Posterior Rule:

You ask, “Why do most women hate anal sex so much?” First of all, I don’t think most women hate anal sex, but clearly, many are not fond of it. Why? Maybe because it hurts, or they have never done it with someone gentle? It could be as simple as that. Also, some women are so intensely clitorally and vaginally orgasmic, that anything remotely anal just doesn’t do it for them. And of course, we have a cultural taboo against putting things up the butt – perhaps for good reason. It’s the area where excrement comes out. Excrement is waste, and there are loads of germs in that waste. Hence, the sceptre of disease and infection might be another factor for why people in general associate the anus with things going out and nothing going in.

What should you do to meet a woman who enjoys it so much like you, so that you can get married some day? Well, I sure hope that it is not the criterion for getting married! Sexual practices alone are not good indicators of a happy marriage. Generally, marriage entails a meeting of the minds in most arenas other than the strictly sexual. Should you marry a porn star? Only if you match up non-sexually, to ensure that you share the same philosophy when it comes to creating a mutually satisfying household. Outside of their professions, porn stars who are married are usually responsible parents, mortgage payers, and generally engage in the same mundane activities as the rest of the world out there. And watch out; not all porn stars like anal sex in their spare time. Another issue would be if you find a woman who loves anal sex, but has other problematic life issues? Would you be with her regardless, as long as you got to have anal sex with her whenever? If you are willing to overlook some serious deficiencies in a woman, as long as she offers anal sex, then it is a problem. Do you need psychological help to “cure” you of your fetish? From the point of strict semantics, a fetish is a substitute used instead of coitus, so anal sex is not really a fetish. I believe that your preference for anal sex is totally fine – if you don’t treat it as an obsession. But, since you allude to the fact that it might be just that, meaning, you have constant thoughts about butts, how to score the next butt, you can’t concentrate at work, your whole life revolves around thoughts of anal sex, then you may need to investigate your thinking pattern in a therapeutic setting. I really believe the issue deserves to be processed. Not to “cure,” but to explore.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

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