Dear Dr. Milrod:

I am a 29-year-old woman and have never had an orgasm. Is there something wrong with me? I have been married for a year and had sex with nine men before that. Nothing. What can I do?

Worried Well

Dear Worried Well:

There have been volumes written on female anorgasmia and its causes. Everything has been implicated – from childhood sexual abuse sequelae, to various mental health disorders, to body image issues, to mismatch between partners – the list is inexhaustive.

Recently, it was also found that not all women are inherently orgasmic. One study from the United Kingdom described that 30% of the women studied in long-term relationships had never climaxed, and were not bothered by this fact. In addition, some women stated that they never masturbated and that this was not a source of distress to them.

Many women also come to know their bodies from a sensual perspective in their later years. Female and male brains do not react identically to sexual stimuli. Certain brain structures, e.g. the amygdala – responsible for feeling fear and anxiety – is more active in women than in men. Hence, for a woman to completely relax and almost “disconnect” her higher order mental faculties, she will need to “deactivate” her amygdala temporarily. Also, many women have an inability to relax because of preoccupation with their physical appearance during sex. Some fear that they will look or act “abnormal” if giving in to complete sexual abandonment; others engage in “spectatoring,” which essentially means that they ‘monitor’ their own sexual performance.

It could also be that you simply have not met a man who is compatible with you or considerate in bed. You and your partner could definitely experiment and you’re your relaxation and satisfaction a hugely enjoyable project. This doesn’t mean going at it like a couple of pornstars, but to take it slowly, gently, with loads of foreplay. Many young men are quick to get to intromissive sex and can rush through the foreplay part. And some women need almost an hour of foreplay for five minutes of the in-and-out! If you feel rushed in the slightest, you won’t climax – and believe me, you have that in common with all women on this planet.

Whatever you do, please do not put any pressure on yourself to climax. That just makes it worse. First and foremost, try to relax in whichever way you prefer. Candles, good music, a glass of wine (not too many, though) some bath oils, massage, anything that gives you that ‘melting’ feeling inside. And of course, your partner needs to be patient and not rush or put pressure on you. These are just some examples. My advice to you – if you feel that anorgasmia is a source of distress to you – is to make an appointment with a sex therapist to explore the issue. Your partner will most likely also be asked to join, and you will be given some fun, sexual “exercises” to practice. This be a very slow process, but rewarding in the end. Also, please remember that each woman has her own definition of what orgasm means to her. For some, it’s an all-out screamfest with tears, clawing and going a little “nutso.” For others, it may just be a warm, all-over glow, accompanied by feelings of intense relaxation. In reality, you may have had many of your own particular brand of orgasms and not thought of them as such!

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.