Dear Dr. Milrod:

I am a married guy in my 40s. I have have recently found some sexual pleasure in the arms of “other women.” However, I would love for my wife to provide what I get from the paid ladies. I have talked to her about it from time to time but to no avail. She was raised very conservatively and it is still affecting her to this day, at least sexually. She finds it hard to open up sexually and is not willing in any manner to try things that she feels are “demeaning.” Trust me, I don’t push her on these items. My libido is strong, while hers is not. My desires cross into some “kink,” hers do not. I love her dearly.

Do you have any advice on a book or two for her to possibly read?

Ripp Torn

Dear Ripp Torn:

Is your wife just agreeing to expand her horizons because you asked her, rather than through her own desire? Is she happy with things just the way they are? If so, no amount of books will help. First order of change is her idea that sex is something cool and yes, kinky – if you want it to be. It is also possible that she is lacking purely in the human sexual response knowledge department. I don’t give much for sex education in this country, and with her upbringing, there could be things she won’t have any idea about.

My advice is to go slowly and not push BDSM or other forms of kink on her. In addition, don’t leave her in the lurch to seek out her own info from books, as they may very well go unread. The trick is that you both need to discover something new together. If you both come as greenhorns to the table, she won’t feel so left out and outdistanced by your “kinkability,” so to speak.

In this case, I would suggest exploring tantra, which is an Eastern sexual philosophy and practice. Tantra is based on sexual polarity, and yet, it is very egalitarian. There are many books on tantra out there; do a search online together, to see if there’s any tome that tickles your mutual fancy. Or better yet, make an appointment with a tantra practitioner in your area. There are female tantra experts who are very well versed in dealing with couples. The tantrika may not get into the action herself, i.e. no threesome here, but she will softly “direct traffic” and be very helpful. Tantra is also interesting because instead of “pussy and dick” you’ve got “yoni and lingam.” It is literary, exotic and interesting – and definitely non-threatening as a start. I highly recommend that this become a mutual project of discovery. Who knows – your wife may have hidden talents! Maybe they just need to be cloaked in something a little softer than kink or BDSM for now. Above all, have patience – if you want to stay with her long-term.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.