Dear Dr. Milrod:

I have a hard working, really nice girlfriend who could probably date any man she so chose, but she is dating a prison inmate! She now wants to marry him – what is going on here?

Genevieve in Vegas

Dear Genevieve in Vegas:

It is puzzling, isn’t it? When there are so many nice, kind, hardworking men out there who haven’t had an ounce of contact with crime. I believe it is a multifactorial issue that depends on the personality of such a woman. Many women control by “caretaking,” which in turn is often mistaken for submission; such women like to organize, regulate and “fix” things and/or people…and what would be more gratifying to caretake than a “wounded bird in a cage?” It makes the woman feel useful, helpful, in control, on some level “victorious,” not unlike the “you and me against the cruel world” type of scenario. There is a fair amount of “wounded healer” dynamics going on, and a certain amount of personal grandiosity that goes into being the one and only for someone who is shunned and rejected by the majority of society. Oftentimes, these are women who come from a home where there has already been some dysfunction such as substance abuse, depression or other emotionally compromising issues. Many of these women have functioned as parentified children in their families of origin. They can surely be hard-working and good people, but for many deep-seated psychological reasons, dysfunction becomes “attractive.” Some of these women are also quite delusional – perhaps not to a schizophrenic level, but they live in more or less a dream world. They don’t want to listen to psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists, etc., who can attest to the fact that violent criminals really do have anti-social personality disorder [popularly termed “sociopathy.”] To these women, the criminals are not just innocent or victims of cruel circumstances – they believe that these men are misunderstood by society at large. I can assure you that a woman who is self-confident, intelligent, successful and emotionally grounded would not entertain the thought; but give me a woman who is insecurely attached since early childhood and I’ll show you someone who could potentially be the one waiting for a long-term jailbird.

Having said that, however, I do want to point out that there is a difference between women who become romantically attracted to violent criminals and women who live in communities where drug arrests and convictions are commonplace. It is not unusual for women living in ghettos to have boyfriends or husbands who have been arrested for various drug-related offenses. In those cases, it may be of benefit for the couple to remain in a relationship while the male is incarcerated, particularly if there are children who need care. Hope that answers but a small part of a very complex question.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.