Dear Dr. Milrod:

What do people do if they are no longer turned on by their partners, but still turned on by others, yet have no desire to bust up a relationship that can still work in terms of companionship, shared interests, children to raise, etc. I can think of four couples that are facing this situation to greater or lesser extent. I think it’s common — people still love and cherish their partners but no longer have a sexual interest in them after maybe 15 or more years, sexual experiments don’t work, but they aren’t willing to give up sex either. The obvious answer – the affair, however satisfying – also runs risks, as some of the couples I cited are finding out.  What do you think, or suggest?

Doubting Don

Dear Doubting Don:

I don’t have a pat answer that I tell my clients – each one is an individual and merits a different answer. But it’s never as easy as “don’t work” or “work.” Depending on the client, it’s up to him or her to decide if s/he wants to stay in a relationship and forego the sexual aspect with his/her partner. I can’t tell clients what to do; they have to figure it out for themselves. But above all, if they want to continue being a couple, they’ll have to agree on the specifics, whatever they may be. What I can do is give them options and help them arrive at some conclusions. For many, neither open marriages nor affairs are “obvious” at all. Women in particular oftentimes have aversions to such “solutions.”

My professional opinion is that if you want to stay together, it becomes your obligation to find a solution, stick to it, and above all, be honest about it. Everything in a partnership is a compromise. And if that compromise includes having sex with a carrot five times a day, or meeting with someone else to have sex, with the understanding and blessing of the other party, so be it.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.