Dear Dr. Milrod:

I am a guy who has always fantasized about anal sex. About two years ago, I began indulging in it. I really like it and do it whenever the opportunity arises. But something happened. First was an instance about eight months ago where the girl allowed it, but I lost my erection. Second time, it was with another girl and let’s just say the adventure was not as completey hygienic as I was expecting. I noticed that after the second occurrence, I can be hard as a log, but as soon as a girl gives me permission for anal and we lube up, I tend to go limp and can’t get it up or in. This was over the summer. And since then, it’s still the same.  Of the five or six girls I have seen since and who allowed it, I was able to stay hard enough only once to partake in it. Am I putting to much pressure on myself to engage in anal sex?

Blusher

Dear Blusher:

Indeed, I do believe you are suffering from performance anxiety. Anal sex can cause some apprehension, for obvious reasons. If you want to pursue this sexual activity, I’d suggest the following:

1. Try it with a lady you’ve seen at least a few times before, and with whom you have a significant level of comfort – not someone brand new. Explore other areas/activities first.

2. Once that happens, make sure she’s all lubed up and into it, and not just doing it because she feels pressured. This means that you both need to take your time and make that time feel and appear as sensual as possible. Use a latex condom and lots of water-based lubricant, go very slowly and try not to force things if something clamps up in there.

3. Try some rimming first – use a piece of SaranWrap or a square of latex to create a barrier between your tongue and her anal rim. Make sure the area around the anus is well covered – you don’t want to end up with a sexually transmitted infection.

The other thing is that anal sex is not for everyone, or everyone would be doing it. Maybe it’s just not for you? And if that’s the case, why fret over it? There are so many other interesting body parts that can get all sexed up and sexed out.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.