Dear Dr Milrod:

I am an older gentleman who seems to have discovered the fountain of youth in dating younger women. Lately, I find my mind occupied with sexual thoughts virtually all day long…. is this abnormal?…. what is normal?

Adonis

Dear Adonis:

“Virtually all day long.” Does it stop you from concentrating at work? Are you in danger of getting fired? Have your peers/superiors complained about your work performance? Are you having problems concentrating while driving? Does thinking of sex “virtually all day long” stop you from enjoying other activities such as sports, school, other non-sexual entertainment such as movies, books, music? Do you find yourself irritated and snappy when interrupted during your thinking by others? Are you neglecting your immediate family emotionally and/or financially because your thoughts prevent you from being a good partner/parent/friend? If you answered yes to more than two questions, you may suffer from sexual compulsivity and that is not a laughing matter. You will need treatment.

But…take heart! Here’s some data from the Laumann Gagnon Study at the University of Chicago, popularly titled “Sex in America.” That was a landmark study from 1994, detailing the sex lives of appx 3,500 randomly selected American adults. The survey was conducted by the National Opinion Research Center. Some of their findings were that 54% of men think about sex every day or several times a day, 43% a few times per month or a few times per week, and 4% less than once a month. About 19% of women think about sex every day or several times a day, 67% a few times per month or a few times per week, and 14% less than once a month. Unfortunately there is an urban legend circulating around, twisting some old Kinsey data, stating that men think of sex every 7 seconds. Clearly, that’s not the case, or we’d all be hopping around like priapic primates, or protecting ourselves from the same.

Now think again. Do you really, really think about sex ALL day long? Maybe your increased sexual thoughts are there to distract you from something boring or anxiety provoking. Is there something stressful going on in your life right now? Thinking of sex is a wonderful distraction and a great escape. Increased sexual thoughts (when there is no direct stimulus) can also have something to do with a life transition that may feel uncomfortable or scary. We tend to return to the familiar and that which we are able to master when faced with big decisions that may take us into new or unknown territory. Having fantasies where everything turns out great, sex included, is not such an abnormal defense. On the other hand, if it gives you pleasure, keep fantasizing and enjoying. Just don’t let it get in the way of real life.

Christine Milrod, PhD