Dear Dr. Milrod:

For the past five years I have been with a woman who is a self proclaimed slut. Yes, I say self-proclaimed because she will readily admit to being one and uses that term quite frequently to describe herself and wears it as a badge of honor.  I had no problem with that, it was part of the attraction from the beginning. As you might guess, being that “sluts” are non-monogamous, we have had an open relationship nearly from day one and have been actively involved in the swinging lifestyle for some time. The majority of our swinging activity involved me watching her with a man or multiple men as a voyeur, something that I learned to enjoy very much.

This girl loves rough sex, but when I say rough, we are talking the kind of rough that would cause most women to call the police afterward, if you catch my meaning. We’re talking hair pulling, slapping, choking, spitting, to go along with a lot of derogatory name calling, bitch – whore – slut etc. etc. You get the picture. It struck me as odd at first, because in my previous experiences with women there was a great deal more sensuality involved with sex. In any case, her “rape-style” sex grew on me, and now I can’t seem to get aroused by anything less! That problem is compounded by the fact that me and this girl are no longer together. So now, well, lets just say the world is not full of women who enjoy this sort of thing. And every woman I meet, when it comes down to the sex, I can not find a way to be aroused anymore, because it is just too tame! Finding someone else with the same sexual proclivities is a longshot. So what I think I really need is to learn to enjoy a more normal form of intimacy again as I once did before I met the “slut”. And I use the word normal loosely because it’s a relative term, but what I mean is a more mainstream sexual encounter.

Someone else suggested that I pay for a professional dominatrix to do a full role reversal, in other words do the things to me that I used to do to my GF and see how it feels, and this supposedly would make me do a 180. While I am sure there may be some sort of twisted reverse psychology in it, my gut feeling is that all I would get out of it is a lot of humiliation and a sore butt. If I really thought it would work, I’d do it, that’s how desperate the situation has become.

Twisted One

Dear Twisted One:

Could it be that you’ve never heard of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism)? Because what you are describing is nothing worse than what goes on in the BDSM community. Maybe your playing is a little beginner-like – your posting lacks some of the BDSM buzzwords such as “play” and “safeword” etc. But here you are, stating that you’ve been “ruined?”

Now, I’m personally not a member of the BDSM community, nor do I specifically “recruit” for any particular sexual expression. But I have to say that I’ve met so many fine, upstanding dysfunction-free individuals who happen to enjoy the kind of sex you are describing, that I have a hard time pathologizing your behavior. It seems to me that you are enjoying what you do sexually, but that you are concerned that it’s not “normal?” Well, rest assured, there are THOUSANDS with the same “proclivities” as you describe, in either direction. It’s called “top” and “bottom” and in the BDSM community, people tend to gravitate toward either side. The suggestion that you hire a dominatrix to do a full role reversal might be interesting, but not for the reasons you describe. It might be good for you to explore that side of yourself, although I have to say that most male “tops” do NOT bottom. But to “see how it feels?” I think your energy would be better spent on locating a submissive instead and letting her teach you a little more about topping.

Please read a beginner’s handbook to BDSM. I recommend Jay Wiseman’s “SM 101: A realistic introduction.” Mr. Wiseman is a well-known top, attorney, and a true expert of BDSM practices. Also, go on the Web to find the Janus Society in your area. Please check their groups page. Above all, don’t feel guilty for doing something that many, many people love and practice with great skill. You just need to know some of the finer points of it all and find your inner top.

Christine Milrod, PhD