Dear Dr Milrod:

This is really weird. In many of the relationships that I have been involved with, it appears that the women always turn things around and the blame is placed at my feet. My ex-wife did this during our divorce, in which she made charges that I was abusive, controlling, and never emotionally in the marriage.
When the dust settled, she had her parental rights terminated and the custody evaluator termed her unstable, abusive, and controlling. Then it was the same with an ex-girlfriend, who was by her own admission controlling. When we broke up, however, I had to get a restraining order on her, as she would not leave me alone and stalked me. For over a year, she made countless prank phone calls in which she would call and then hang up on me. I finally got the cops to get the records from the phone company which led back to her. Then, I have this past event in which things get turned around, and I am supposed to once again be this controllling bully, liar, and unstable? What is it with all this turning things around?  In each instance, the things I am accused of are what the accusers are doing. Am I what they call “passive aggressive?”

Confused Army Brat

Dear Confused Army Brat:

“Passive-aggressive behavior” is a term that has become popularized in the media and among laypeople during the past twentyfive years. It concerns behavior that has aggressive ideation/acts as its root, but is not “actively” aggressive or “acting-out”. The term can be seen as an antonym to “active-aggressive” behavior (although there isn’t really any such term.)

It is my opinion that “passive-aggressive” behavior is engaged in by individuals who have fear of conflict and confrontation (for whatver reason.) Simple case illustration:

You are in a relationship with someone. The person is driving you insane. You don’t want to be in the relationship, but don’t have the guts to come out and take active responsibility for your feelings and say so. Hence, instead of “acting out,” or “actively” showing your displeasure with the person, you start doing and saying things that on the surface may seem harmless and perhaps even “victimlike” or “martyred,” but in turn drive the other person nuts. The other person may act out toward you in the relationship in an “active-aggressive” manner, at which point you may turn around and state incredulously, “Gee, I don’t know WHY you are saying/doing these things. You are so mean/unbalanced/weird/evil, etc. I’m so nice and kind and all this is coming from nowhere. I’m feeling very victimized and I’m leaving.”

It is truly impossible for me to answer your original question, since we haven’t heard from “the other party,” so to speak. But it must be said that in spite of all the passive-aggressive behavior in the world, some individuals labeled “passive-aggressive” [often women] are truly damaged since childhood, and they have not had the opportunity to repair their psyches or build an authentic self that they respect and care for. Many fractured and psychically injured individuals end up in relationships over and over again which repeat the abuse they sustained [in some form or other] because there is a faulty and injurious pattern set since childhood to seek out an abuser, create an abusive pattern – BY ENGAGING IN PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ACTS, UNWITTINGLY – and then recreate the abusive cycle. In domestic violence, individuals can end up in “the cycle of violence,” simply because they have not been exposed to good and constructive parenting in childhood.

For those who don’t know, the “Cycle of Violence” consists of the following three stages.

Tension or Build Up (Phase 1)
Increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing. This phase may last a week, months, or years. It usually becomes more frequent as the cycle is repeated. It typically involves an increase in verbal and minor physical abuse. Sometimes this is enough to frighten the victim into submission. The victim knows what will happen if he/she does not comply. At this point the victim may be amenable to sources of help.

Battering Incident (Phase 2)
Battering-hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, use of objects or weapons. Sexual abuse. Verbal threats and abuse. During this phase the batterer loses the desire or ability to control his/her anger and violence. The batterer learns that this type of action helps to “relieve stress” and “change behavior”. Just following this episode the batterer and the partner are most likely to seek help. The partner is hurt and scared, and the batterer is feeling ashamed, guilty and humiliated.

Calm or Honeymoon Stage (Phase 3)
This stage may decrease over time. The batterer may deny violence; say he/she was drunk, say sorry and promise that it will never happen again. The victim is least amenable to help at this point. However, the batterer may be most open to help at the start of this phase because typically, he/she is remorseful and wishes to please (keep) the partner. At the peak of this stage both parties may deny or distort what has occurred.

Then, Phase 1 begins again… The truth is that change is unlikely unless the victim gets help. The victims want to believe the abuser when they promise it will never happen again, but in most cases it does. It not only recurs, but escalates each time. Studies indicate that most abusers who seek professional help do so only after their partners have left. Otherwise, they have no incentive to change.

I assume you are in therapy or have been. If not, then I suggest you continue examining your past and present with the help of a professional. Labels are interesting and provide a “snapshot” of what may have happened, but in terms of finding causes, investigation must go beyond these terms. Take care of yourself, please.

Christine Milrod, PhD