Dear Dr Milrod:

I have a rape fetish.  Now hear me out.  i am not going to go out and find a woman and just rape her.  I have had a couple of relationships where the women have had rape fantasies and we acted on them with amazing results!  One even cried during the act!  Since then after about 3-4 mos. of being intimate with someone I have an uncontrollable urge to do this with them.  Is this wrong?  Or are people just afraid to act out this type of fantasy with each other?  I am always open to fulfilling this fantasy with women.  So what do you think?  Am I a terrible person?

Jack the Bodice Ripper

Dear Jack the Bodice Ripper:

Having read lots of studies on fantasies after exposure to sexually explicit materials, sequelae of child abuse, etc., I can tell you that rape fantasies are somewhat common…among women. Among men, it’s less common, and, according to studies indicates that there has been some preceding stimulus or long-term action that gets men into this mode of thinking. Most studies, however, have focused on if men think it’s WRONG to rape and if they could theoretically rape someone. Many studies show that if men are exposed to violent pornography, they will be less likely to condemn rape. But does that mean that the average guy will go out and attack women in the streets? No. On the other hand, the profile of the average rapist is simply the average guy. Hard to believe, perhaps, but such is the case. Rape can often be a date gone wrong, an idea gone over the limit, a drink too many, etc. The idea that a woman is walking in a park and getting assaulted or getting attacked by the cable guy is not the predominant reality. The majority of rapes are committed by persons somewhat known to the victim, at least in the United States.

Now, are fantasies of rape wrong? I suppose a fantasy is a fantasy, and as long as it remains such, it can’t be judged as “right” or “wrong.” That’s way too simplistic and leads nowhere in understanding sexual behavior. The thing is, if you enact a “rape” with a willing partner – who also has the same fantasy – clearly then, it’s not rape, but the enactment of a sexual fantasy, period. There is a name for it  and it’s “ravishment.” In the kink community, ravishment can be a mutually agreed-upon play scene, complete with safe words, detailed limitations and above all, mutual consent.

The issue in this case is one of personal limit-setting. If you are aware that this is a fantasy and you do not enact it without checking with your partner for permission, then it’s no worse than being a woman, having a rape fantasy, and asking her partner to “rape” her. Now, if you are in a relationship and she says NO to enacting your fantasy, and you respect her choice, then all is well and you don’t need to think about it.

But this is the crux – the “thinking about it.” Has it become an obsession? Does this fantasy consume most of your thoughts when you engage sexually? Would you consider enacting it with a woman who clearly was unwilling? Rape is always rape when one party is not consenting. I don’t care if it’s a wife who says NO after years of marriage, or it’s a drunken sorority gal who’s too out of it to verbalize her wishes. No means no, it’s as simple as that. So, as long as you respect that fact, you’ll be fine.

Now, are you a terrible person? No, of course not. No more than anyone else who is not having vanilla sex. Is a guy who wants to tie up a woman and flog her during a BDSM play session a terrible person? No, he is not…if he has, like most participants in BDSM, discussed all the rules and regulations in advance and the woman is prepared for it and ENJOYS IT.

My hunch, and of course I haven’t met you, so I can’t say, is that your rape fantasy is not much different from your partner’s. You both “get into” the same kind of scenario. The problem is when two people have a different idea of what the scenario consists of, and then one gets hurt, either physically, emotionally or both. You don’t want to get over your boundary threshold, so to speak, because then we’ve got a real problem.

My advice to you would be to look into the world of BDSM to see if there’s anything else in there that strikes your fancy. I am saying this because “players” in that world are very conscientious and usually have good heads on their shoulders in terms of discussing the consent factor and turning fantasies into real play sessions.

As to “are people afraid to act out these fantasies with each other,” the answer is NO – not some people. But since rape is clearly a very controversial issue, most people simply stay away from enacting those fantasies. They are content with reading bodice-ripper novels and pulp fiction [Harold Robbins, Mickey Spillane, anyone?] and letting these things remain in their heads.

I will say this, and that is that in watching Filipino porn films [oh yes, the things one must do in the sexological arena, LOL], rape scenes are  common, even though the rest of the sex is rather vanilla. This is not an apology for your fantasy, but a commentary on the fact that it’s not as unusual as we might think.

Keep tabs on yourself though. If the urge to do this with a non-consenting individual or stranger overtakes you, please write back and begin engaging with a psychotherapist for help. Rape is neither ravishment nor ravishing.

Christine Milrod, PhD