Dear Dr Milrod:

I’ve been sort of cheating sexually with a variety of women for about 4 months and am having a blast.
Weird thing though, my Significant Other seems to be reaching her sexual peak and turning into a total minx!
*I’m loving it, but…

She constantly complains that I finish too fast (and I last about 20 minutes hard pounding) or when I don’t finish quickly which I’ve been training myself to do all my life, she accuses me of not being attracted to her anymore, only wanting Greek (which she offered only in the last couple of months, and then only on very rare occasions) or worst of all: being Gay! Lately too, she’s been talking too much during our sessions and that’s a total turn off.
I’m aware that I am used to being with her (8 years) but she’s getting on my nerves! (to put it bluntly). Help!

Bummed  Max

Dear Bummed Max:

Interesting dilemma.
You state, at the very beginning of your query, that you are “cheating for about 4 months and [am] having a blast.” Are you cheating because you didn’t get enough sex from your SO previously, or are you cheating because the sex you did have with your SO was not exactly what you wanted? Quantity? Quality? It seems that you had some type of need which was not fulfilled, but it’s not clear from your query.

Wild guess: Maybe it doesn’t matter what your SO does or says, and in fact, anything she communicates in the sexual department will “get on your nerves.” Your SO may very well have turned into a minx, but are you sure she is turned on to you? It seems that she’s horny alright, but that whatever you do isn’t her cup of tea. Accusing a partner of 8 years of “being gay” is either a needling comment, or she’s really in the dark as far as your persona is concerned…and I have doubts on that one. So the question is, where does all this discontent come from? Maybe SHE needs to start cheating to get off…or maybe find someone else that will float her boat just the way she wants it. I’ve said it before, and I’m saying it again: if more women took responsibility for their sexuality, we wouldn’t have so much sexual kvetching going on in the female universe. We may have more jealousy killings – after all, in most kingdoms, animal or human, the male goes after the female if she strays – but at least we’d have less sexual complaining and more satisfaction from women out there.

Maybe you’ve both been frustrated sexually over one another, and that you’re both trying to resolve that frustration in various ways. So…if you want to stay together, it’s time to tackle that beast called ‘up-front communication.’ Her complaining and your cheating isn’t going to resolve your disparate sexual rhythm. Having a deep and mature discussion about it might. Or, both of you may storm out of negotiations. In that case, you’ll know that you’ve touched a nerve, and that there’s definitely something way deeper than “finishing too fast” or “only wanting Greek” that’s creating the dissonance in your relationship.
In any case, no sense in having someone get on your nerves. Try to negotiate a rewrite of your mutual sexual scripting. Try to be fair. Get professional help if you run into something insurmountable. And if after all that, things are still not improving, then you’ll know that at least you tried to improve matters like a mature adult. Let the peace talks begin.

Christine Milrod, PhD