Dear Dr Milrod:

I know several instances when the wife, kiddies requiring less direct supervision, wants to return to the work force, get involved in community life, AND, resume the sex life she shelved while raising small children. She goes to the gym, becomes svelte, changes her hairdo, looks enticing in perhaps her mid-40s…but gets no response from her husband, who has either turned to other interests or is on the verge of seeing escorts or having an affair. In these cases, the problem isn’t vanished libido, but loss of sexual interest in one’s spouse. When it goes, I submit, it won’t come back, despite any number of come-ons like candlelit dinners, jacuzzis, sexy lingerie, couples movies, or romantic weekends. The problem is serious because in all other respect the marriages are viable, and the husband hasn’t lost his libido, he’s lost sexual interest in his wife, whom he still loves, and who may still be attractive to other men but not to her husband.
A recipe for big trouble, I say, and far more frequent than one might think. What if any are the remedies?

Just A Guy

Dear Just A Guy:

All these issues can be worked out in couples therapy, IF the couple is willing to work it out, come whatever decision. There are many ways to rekindle a dying sex life – if one is willing. The problem is generally not physical, although I do advise a medical workup for both parties. It’s mental, in other words, the sex fatigue is really emotional and mental fatigue vis-á-vis the other partner.

Once again, I believe that it’s truly unrealistic to expect two people to hang on to each other for 30-40 years [or even 5-10 years] without getting sick and tired of one another. But various issues like kids, property, old habits, etc. get people into a fearful or guilt-ridden state. No one wants to work on the problem, yet no one wants to leave out of fear of being alone, and it’s much easier to get some nookie on the side and keep up appearances.

If a couple wants to be honest about their respective extramarital sex and if a couple decides that it will not traumatize them, then that’s their solution and we must respect that. I believe that one of the most important aspects of ANY relationship is honesty – even if it’s very painful. And most people want to avoid pain, so they avoid being honest. And that can really get them into trouble. So, the remedy is leading a very existentially authentic life, with a minimum of bad faith [lying to oneself] and accepting the consequences, lock, stock and barrel. And that’s easier said than done. But it’s a remedy alright and it does work.

Christine Milrod, PhD