My girlfriend doesn’t like when I try to have intense or kinky sex with her – what am I doing wrong?

Dear Dr. Milrod:

I am a happy guy in my 20’s. I have a great job and now an awesome girlfriend for the past four months. I try to do my best to satisfy her sexually – I like paying attention to all her body parts and making sure she doesn’t get bored in bed. Recently, however, we had a big fight about how she says I’m always hurting her in some way. The final straw was when I accidentally pulled on her hair extensions and she had to go get them fixed. I was in the dog house for days! What am I doing wrong?

Garren in Playa Vista

 

Dear Garren:

I can understand why this is becoming a sore spot in your otherwise happy relationship! There is a fine line between pain and pleasure, and sometimes, it takes some time to figure out what makes a woman tick. Here are some of the worse offenses in the bedroom – please try to avoid engaging in them as best as you can:

1. “Motorboating”
Usually done between the breasts, i.e. painfully squeezing two breasts together, pushing your face in between and making revving engine noises, in the belief that this is funny, or worse, even sexy; it is mostly painful, the sound is distracting and it activates pain neurons instead of pleasure centers in a woman’s brain. This is the evil cousin of:

2. “Vacuum cleaning” or “plungering”
Imagining that the clitoris needs massive stimulation and sucking onto it like a bat in heat, or worse, a toilet that’s clogged and needs to be fixed. Don’t believe the oafs claiming that it brings women to ecstasy – it usually has them sprinting out of bed and screaming for dear life.

Both of these offenses are the directly opposite behavior of “speaking slowly but carrying a big stick.” In other words, be gentle with your tongue and lips unless told otherwise.

3. Indiana Bones and Raiders of the Lost G-Spot
Someone told you to make that “come here” motion with your one crooked finger, and you went looking for the G-spot with half your hand. Do not put in more than one finger and go speed wiggling – it hurts. Even worse, it can give a woman a nasty urinary tract infection (UTI) if your fingers aren’t scrupulously clean or begin to irritate the spongy tissue surrounding the urethra. Let her take your hand, gently extend the finger that is most comfortable for you, and let her guide you.

4. Pump up the volume?
No, your penis is not a pump, nor is your woman’s head with the mouth somewhere in her face. Holding her head and jamming it up and down your penis while you dream of impersonating the latest male porn star may look sexy from your angle, but hey – wonder why she’s gasping for breath? That’s because you are unintentionally stopping her from enjoying your love pump! Take your hands off her head, stop pushing and enjoy the gentleness of a slow and sexy blow job.

5. No “rapunzeling” the hair please!
A lot of women have pricey and beautiful hair extensions these days, and while in the heat of passion hair pulling is not unusual, proceed with caution. Many sexual experiences (and relationships!) have come to a screeching halt because a guy ended up with a woman’s weave or a clump of extensions in his hand. If you really want to know, start by gently touching her locks. If she pulls her head away, be discreet and understanding, and leave Rapunzel alone. In time, you will be let in on all her secrets – for now, only the hair dresser knows for sure.

6. Avoid the Hershey Highway unless she gave you explicit directions
This is mostly for your own good (and that of hers, of course). Sometimes the desire to “try something new” is overpowering, in this case engaging in insertive anal sex without having gone through some necessary preparations. Make sure she says it’s OK, and then has the time and the tools necessary to cleanse and prepare for a pleasant experience. Because even if it’s pleasurable for both of you in the moment, withdrawing a brown penis can cause a bit of a visual shock and put a damper on any future experiences – for both of you.

Christine Milrod, PhD

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