Dear Dr. Milrod:

I think my wife is using sex as a weapon. We were going to hang some new wallpaper and she told me “no sex at all until the wallpaper is hung!” This is only one example among many. She uses sex as a reward sometimes, and the withdrawal of sex as punishment. What should I do?

Frustration’s the Name

Dear Frustration’s the Name:

Every couple has its own rules and roles, its communication and its meta-communication; power and powerlessness can shift from issue to issue. I have said that the one who controls the sex controls the relationship, but that is strictly from the point of one person wanting sex from the other, and the other controlling time, place, mood, etc. for that to happen. And oftentimes, sex in that case is used as a bargaining chip – although some would call it more of a “weapon,” depending on the situation. Sadomasochism in daily life often entails the dynamics passive-aggressive spousal/S.O. behavior. I am sure that many men begin extramarital activities because sex is being ‘rationed’ or even ‘denied’ in the home. As for women, I believe the majority of women stray not because they’re not getting sex, but because they don’t get the psychological attention and emotional caring they may need from their spouse.

One of the problems is that women have never truly been taught to “fight fair” or “deal-making” during childhood. Boys on the playground are taught to wheel and deal constantly; they have no shame about it and many quickly become very adept at keeping feelings aside from obtaining their goal – whether it’s trading baseball cards or Pokemon cards, etc. For girls, the situation is different. If you observe the play of young girls, it is based on a much more “collectively harmonious” tenor than that of boys. Competition is labeled “unfair;” fighting is “wrong,” even if it’s warranted; and, oftentimes, girls are taught to just swallow their disappointment and not make waves. Hence, once women hit marriage, few of them come equipped with the skills to sit down and have a rational, emotions-free conversation about issues like sex, power, obligations, etc. Oftentimes, discussions degrade into tears, slammed doors and sullen pouting for days, only to leave the husband quite dumbfounded and clueless at first, and bitter and disappointed in the end. The sum total is that women sometimes do feel completely powerless at the bargaining table in marriages and relationships; their only bargaining tool is rationing or controlling their sexual output.

Now, I can easily picture a man getting thoroughly tired and demoralized in begging for sex. It’s a very “dirty” feeling to have to plead for something that should come forth freely, particularly in a relationship. Begging makes one feel guilty, engenders low self-esteem and is above all, highly unproductive. Hence, it’s not so unbelievable that men finally give up – even though sex may not be the root cause – and try to get some relief in the arms of another woman. But as to this being the overwhelming cause, I doubt it. Many marriages are sexless simply because of childbirth, couples drifting apart emotionally, general inequality, and a whole host of other issues. Suffice it to say that I believe it is a sign of emotional immaturity to use sex as a bargaining tool or “weapon,” and that a man who is subjected to this behavior should step up to the plate and have a serious discussion with his wife/S.O. – prior to just running off and having sex with someone else as a first resort.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.