Dear Dr. Milrod:

I’m 25 years old and I just got over a 5-year relationship with the person I thought was going to to be my wife and the mother of my children. At that point I was working a decent job, but I had to work so much, I was very tired and she would be asleep by the time I called her. She started to complain that I never spent time with her; when I did, I was all over her. She said I only thought about sex. Meanwhile, I think about her day and night. Not even sexually, just sharing happiness together – funny moments, dinners, etc.

Now things are different and we don’t speak anymore. What should I do?

Unhappy I Think

Dear Unhappy I Think:

If you are 25 and just got over a 5-year relationship, chances are you will kiss many more princesses before you find the right one. In terms of your relationship that was – it seems you got a taste of what married life can be all about, particularly if both of you are trying to build a career while having small children. Believe it or not, that lovely bloom of romantic love fades, and it’s up to the level of maturity of the individuals involved to create something of emotional substance, beyond the purely sexual, if they want the relationship to last.

Yes, to her you were probably “only thinking about sex.” Then again, that’s what most young men do, and for good reason – evolutionarily, it makes a lot of sense. It is healthy, normal and sound. The problem is that you were working so many hours, and you never got a chance to engage in many other activities beyond the necessary. So now you’ve learned from this experience and you’ll know how to manage your time, come the next relationship. Yes, you will think and think about her…until one day, you will find yourself curiously free from thinking of her with emotions attached. Time heals most wounds, particularly the ones we get from losing our “first love.” What’s happened to you is normal and to be expected in this day and age. I would be more concerned if you, at 25, were sealing yourself off with a wife and two kids. Please sow your wild oats for at least another five years; you’ll be glad you did. And then come back for a recheck.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.