Dear Dr. Milrod:

My married sister-in-law is hot and has shown attraction and flirtition to me in the past.  I’ve never done anything with her, as I was concerned that she would “talk” with my wife. I have explored a little to see if anything would get relayed back to my wife.  Each time I explore, I go a little further, and so far nothing has come back to my wife. I think my sister-in-law wants it as bad as I do, and I believe that we share a mutual attraction.

My question is whether I should pursue an affair with my sister-in-law, or should I stop while I’m ahead? I know the ramifications of getting caught, particularly as far as her husband is concerned. So far, I’ve been very careful and taken it very slow.

Morgan Attic

Dear Morgan Attic:

I am curious to find out if your sister-in-law is seriously the only woman, besides your wife, of course, that you have ever found yourself attracted to. Or is she one in a bunch of many, and she just happens to be conveniently in your immediate proximity? Or is it that she “has shown attraction and flirtation to me in the past,” irrespective of, and clearly unmotivated by, any advances you made toward her?

I am wondering if you are feeling deficient and suffering from low self-esteem, in the sense that you feel so starved for female attention that you are ready to engage in what most would consider a complicated and potentially destructive relationship? And, if you really aren’t hot for your wife any longer, why don’t you just divorce her? Why are you hanging on to someone you’re not “into,” and instead hungering for your sister-in-law?

In this case I’m less concerned about your motivations and more concerned with hers. What is wrong with your sister-in-law? Why has she fixated on you? And does it mean that just because she, for some unknown reason to us, is in the midst of working out some marital issue, you should immediately volunteer to be her extramarital guinea pig?

My hunch is that you are being set up, and it will be your loss in the end. My educated guess is that she’ll engage sexually with you and then she’ll dump you like a hot potato. Because someone who “flirts” with her brother-in-law is in serious psychological turmoil. I don’t know what is eating this creature, but I would definitely advise you not to become embroiled in her drama. Because there will be drama, perhaps to her satisfaction, and to your ultimate nightmare.

The majority of women who are having extramarital sex want out of their marriage, and will terminate it “emotionally” by going elsewhere. This is a common fact and is supported by research. Men may stray out of search for variety, excitement, etc., but when women start playing around, they do so because they have made more or less of a resolution to leave the marriage. Nota bene that she could also be “retaliating” toward her husband who may have had extramarital relations which she has become privy to. In that case, there is even less reason for you to engage, as you will be used as the fall guy and not much more. In any case, it is clear that she has little regard – justified or not – for her partner/husband, your wife, and conceivably even you.

Now, if this blows up in everyone’s face, guess who will get 100% of the blame: you. This is because we still live in a male-dominated society and it would be easy enough for her to shift the responsibility of this ‘unholy alliance’ onto you and your ‘male predatory instincts.’ Now, are you willing to potentially become the “destroyer of a family” just for some simple sex? Because when the wind starts blowing, it will be an icy gale force and you’ll be left standing outside.

Of course, if you don’t care one iota about your own marriage or hers, and you think this is it and you’re going to run away together and create something permanent, by all means, discuss it with her and appear in front of your dumbstruck spouses like an honest, mature couple. But this type of sneaking around benefits no one. You could either become someone’s next little experimental sex toy in preparation for the grand exit, or you could be cast as the super-villain who wrecked everything for two couples and potentially their offspring.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.