Dear Dr Milrod:

I have been seeing escorts and call girls for a few years now. That works for me and I’m not interested in any moral advice. My problem is that it takes too long for me to orgasm. I have seen several GFE providers so far and they all commented that I almost destroyed their private parts. Not rough but just in there too long. The other day, I saw this lovely lady and had a great time. Well, maybe she did not. She kept saying “can you cum yet?”. At the end, she told me that it felt like I was in her for half an hour. Well, because of my past experience, I actually timed it that day and it was 5 min 41 sec with my best effort.. She said to me that guys usually last for 40 seconds in her. To be honest, I do not believe that. I am 43 y/o and luckily I am still in good shape and I can last for an hour if allowed. How can I orgasm quicker?

Not Good Enough

Dear Not Good Enough:

When Kinsey last checked, he found that 75% of all males reach orgasm within 2 minutes of penetration. He felt that it was normal, though he did note that it “may be most unsatisfactory to a wife who is inhibited or natively low in response.”  Females in Kinsey’s studies averaged a little less than 4 minutes to reach orgasm during masturbation, though for coitus it took anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes. In view of Kinsey’s findings, yes, you take more than twice as long than the majority. In theory, you should be absolutely fabulous for a woman who is super turned on, madly in love with you, and heavily desirous of hitting the stratosphere. Also, let’s not forget that Kinsey’s study participants were married couples. You’re spending time with your penis covered [I hope, for safety’s sake] and that in itself can decrease sensation tremendously. Have you tested your orgasmic potential uncovered and with someone who is really attracted and in love with you? Can you still go on for such a long time? What was it like for you as a teenager? Did it take equally long, or were you able to ejaculate in rapid succession more than once? And what’s your refractory period? Does it take a day or two to recover your ejaculatory ability?

Now here come the cruxes: One is that many sex workers are NOT turned on by their clients. Yes, I know, if you ask, you will most likely get an answer to the contrary, but this is a FACT. It’s impossible to be turned on by every client who walks in through the door. Now if she turns in a great performance, more power to her [and to you, since you’re the buyer of the sexual service.] But the wonderful performance still doesn’t affect a woman’s honest physical response, it merely covers it up. Hence, imagine that the average guy pounds away at 140bpm and gets to the top within 2 lousy minutes. And there you are, racing toward the finish in more than double that time. Add to that some starting and stopping, some extra friction for effort, and bam, you’ve got a sensitive, frustrated provider on your hands. Even if she’s worked herself up to some physical excitation, such moments are fleeting particularly with someone unfamiliar on the other side of that penis. Unless she’s so wildly turned on by you that she could have intercourse all night, chances are her vagina will tighten up, her tissues will not lubricate naturally, and she will start feeling anxious. Anxious for you to ejaculate, so that she can get up and end the coital part of the session. It’s a natural feeling and it’s one of those unspoken, unpleasant truths of sex work. The myth is, that a GFE provider is supposed to handle any client, always be orgasmic, always be gorgeous and at the TOP of her game. If not, her reviews will reflect it, and she will go down like a sinking ship. Therefore, it is very rare that an escort will open up, even to herself in some cases, and face the facts – no, it’s not possible to get into every single client. From a performance standpoint, it signals a certain kind of “failure,” and she may not want to go there. But nevertheless, there you are, in search of the sex worker who will be able to enjoy your long performance..and always coming up short.

Crux number two is that RE (retarded ejaculation) is the third most common “disorder,” after ED (erectile dysfunction) and PE (premature ejaculation.) Now it’s up to all and sundry to conclude that 5 minutes and 41 seconds is either retarded or just going a little slower around the bend. But what reports from the therapeutic camps tell us, is that it’s pretty difficult to treat RE. Behaviorally, the problem is treated within the couple. First, the couple cuddles and kisses without any genital involvement. They then proceed to stage two. Standard is that the female masturbates the male for as long as it will take – sometimes hours – until he’s ready to pop. The she climbs up on him and he ejaculates inside her. In terms of the psychological portion of the treatment, the goal is for the male to “give up control.” Some therapists have found that RE – unless precipitated by alcohol abuse or medications such as antidepressants or blood pressure meds – is related to being a controlled individual with a disavowal of emotions. Often, the patient may have professional “drive” and detachment, and has risen to the top of his profession. He may have difficulty in showing emotions, and in ‘letting go’. Other possible causative factors which have been identified by sexologists include fear of causing pregnancy; an unconscious fear that the vagina is “dirty;” an over-strict religious upbringing, or even possibly closeted homosexual feelings. It is interesting to note that therapeutic measures for RE always include a willing partner. The success rate for treating RE have not been great; one British study reports 58%, which means that about half walked away with the problem unsolved. I think the key issue is being with someone who is really turned on by you and to whom this is not a problem, but an asset. It’s obvious that 5 minutes and 41 seconds are not half an hour. But, since you are able to go on for that long, there ought to be someone out there who wants to take advantage of you and your situation.

As to the final question, my answer is: try to relax and don’t push yourself. If you push, it will create anxiety. If you want to help the sex worker along to create a pleasant and stress-free situation, you could engage in mutual masturbation, even DIY while she masturbates herself. Get yourself to the top of the mountain and slide down to a rapid climax inside her. Do as much as possible without the condom on while still being safe. If the provider is good at sexy stories and dirty talking, that might help too. Create some fantasies. If control is one of your issues [and only you would know, at this point] then try to loosen up and have fun. There are some guys to whom cumming inside is not the end-all, be-all. Have you tried facials? All over her breasts? On her butt? That way, you can stay inside for as long as possible, and when the provider signals discomfort, move on to another fun part of the game that leads to the big O. Then again, if you’re really stuck on coming inside, you might have to search for a while until you find someone who matches your particular sexual matrix.

Christine Milrod, PhD