Dear Dr. Milrod:

My husband masturbates regularly to porn sites. I have no issue whatsoever with him masturbating I merely question the frequency of it. I take it personally even though I know he desires me and is turned on by me, in addition to us having a positive sex life together. I do believe that his frequency interferes with our sexual frequency, as his desire seemingly has been satisfied from the pornography viewing. I have tried to talk to him about how it makes me feel rejected and undesirable and he just loses it. Any suggestions?

Deena

Dear Deena:

Your question is an interesting one and it surely merits some discussion. You state, “I know he desires me and is turned on by me, in addition to us having a positive sex life together.” And yet, you believe that his masturbational frequency interferes with your mutual sexual frequency.

Here’s a suggestion: Instead of telling him how you feel rejected and undesirable, how about offering him an exchange of sexual play instead of leaving him masturbating to porn sites? The reason why I am suggesting this is simply based on your previous statement – that your sex life is positive. If it’s positive, then I’m sure he “loses it” when you tell him that you feel “rejected and undesirable.” Because that signals to him that he is doing something wrong and that he needs to change his sexual behavior. And he will feel completely powerless, since in his mind – and yours, apparently – you have a good sexlife.

Now, if he says that he doesn’t want to exchange the masturbationary episodes for sex with a real woman, the next step is asking him what’s so different about jacking off to a screen, as opposed to fondling a real babe, i.e. you. If the answer is that he believes that you don’t want to have sex as much as he does, then it’s surely a frequency issue, and that obviously needs to get worked out. Basically, if you can’t muster the same desire for sex as he does, then you might allow him to get his rocks off somehow.

If it is an issue of his needing variety, then I suppose it’s easier on you if he masturbates than if he spends extra money on escorts. This may seem harsh, but some men have very high sex drives and they literally need to ejaculate daily. I believe this world would be a much happier place if we all just admitted it and didn’t make such a big deal about it. And, if his libido is so high, then it’s just useless to try to change it. All you’ll get is a cranky, irritated guy and then possibly a lying, cheating guy. Best let him be then, and try to understand that we are all biologically different in this regard. In my practice, I have found that this is one of the most difficult issues for women to understand, and also for some men. Differing libido based on gender, situations, etc.

Now, if your husband is masturbating as an escape and it reaches a compulsive behavioral level, then this is something else altogether. The masturbation can hide a much deeper problem. Oftentimes, men engage in compulsive sexual behaviors to avoid depression, money issues, unemployment, problems at work, relationships gone wrong, etc. If this is the case, then you’ll both need to visit a therapist who can help get to the bottom of this issue.

The most important thing is that when you try to find out why the masturbation in lieu of sex, blaming, telling someone that you feel undesirable, etc. is not going to help. Remember that you want to find out information, not give information at that point. This is also very difficult when a couple engages in discussion – avoiding becoming reactive is hard when you feel like the pits. And, if you feel that you can’t play objective detective, then get a sex therapist to do the job for you.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.