Dear Dr. Milrod:

I have only been able to ejaculate into a woman about 6 times in my life.  It takes me forever – I guess it’s called delayed ejaculation, or even retarded ejaculation. Meanwhile, I can cum any time I want by hand.  I am giving up masturbation for a couple months to see if that will help.  Is there anything else I can do?  By the way, my significant other is a prude whose idea of wild sex is kissing and then missionary position intercourse.  I know this doesn’t help.

Not Cumming

Dear Not Cumming:

I read and empathize with your pain, but take heart; your RE (retarded or delayed ejaculation) seems to be psychological and habitual in the sense that you are able to ejaculate by your own hand. As for your “prudish significant other” – well, you don’t say if you come inside her any easier, or if this is a global issue with all women. In addition, you and your SO could probably do with some sex counseling, so that she could discover the joys of carnal knowledge beyond the missionary position. I just can’t imagine what it would be like being with someone who is “not into it 100%,” but this seems to be the case with many people…no wonder the commercial end of sex is thriving. But I suppose that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.

Now back to your RE: No más masturbación, por favor. Just lay off for 45 days to begin with. You need to break your body’s habitual response to sexual stimuli. No looking at porn, no smutty novels [if anyone reads them these days,] no sex talk. In fact, try to make yourself as monastic as possible. And then…after 45 days, get yourself into a very, very comfortable situation. If it’s the SO, by all means. I’m assuming that’s a condom-free event, so that will add to your comfort. If it’s another woman, make sure that you don’t feel any performance anxiety or nervousness. Some men feel so excited when they meet with a brand new woman that they just lock up. If you’re one of those guys, I’d suggest getting with someone who knows a little about your situation and is willing to try various approaches. You should get STD tested if you are getting with someone else and also insist that she show you her test results – that’s just being prudent. And then, getting some nice uncovered fellatio until you’re absolutely ready to explode, and popping on a condom and blasting off can be an option. So can receiving a handjob and then inserting your penis in some nifty position – either you on top, plugging away, or you on the bottom, if topping gets you all exhausted. In any case, staying away from self-pleasuring is a start. Yes, it’s tough penis love, but imagine the conceivable rewards!

Christine Milrod, PhD