Dear Dr Milrod:

A few years ago I started looking for possible life companions on the Web, not planning on having all the physical problems I have since encountered. The bottom line is that I have met a much younger woman in Nepal who has fallen deeply in love with me and with whom I am also deeply in love. She is well aware of my age, my health problems, and my (currently) limited income. I have had strong negative feedback from members of my family (who, by the way, have never chatted with her, let alone seen her) who are afraid that she just simply wants a cheap ticket to the U.S. and what money I have. In fairness, they are also concerned about the future of my health, and whether I will be able to meet my beloved’s needs — a concern I share with them. There is a part of me that keeps saying: “What with all of the attractive women here in the U.S., why do you want to go through the hassles of making a successful relationship with somebody from Nepal?” Yet this lady has shown a depth of love, trust, and wisdom I have never seen before.

There is also a part of me that keeps saying that, with such a large age difference, do I have any right to claim her and preempt a more fulfilling future for her? Were we to have children, the likelihood of my dying before they graduate high school is fairly high (not to mention that, with my disabilities and age, it will be hard to play with any children as children need to be played with.) I realize that a situation like this is very hard to gauge, particularly with the limited information I have presented here. I would deeply appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

Kat Mandu

Dear Kat Mandu:

There are some issues here. Not insurmountable, but clearly variables that can impact your union in the long run. From an adult development trajectory standpoint, a large age difference – whether you are Nepali or Norwegian – can become an issue once the first bloom of romance has worn off. Now, if you’re 70 and she’s 50, then the difference in age may not matter so much. But a woman in her childbearing years together with someone much older can result in differing family goals. Have you discussed this? Are you willing to become a father, should the overwhelming urge to procreate strike – or is she willing to abstain from having children, should this be a psychological/physiological impossibility for you? And of course, with the disabilities you mention…is it really “fair” for a child to be brought into a family where the incapacitated state of a father is a distinct possibility?

In addition, bringing someone much younger here from a radically different culture and ethnic background poses its own problems. Frequently, young women come from developing nations to a post-industrial society such as ours, in search of educational and quality-of-life opportunities. When such opportunities are provided and taken advantage of, these women gain a whole new measure of independence. Oftentimes, what began as a marriage, ends up as a failed “adoption,” with the ‘chick’ leaving the nest in a somewhat developmentally appropriate fashion – much to the sadness and consternation of the older party left behind. Frequently, such separations leave bitterness and renewed loneliness in their wake. The divorce rate in intercultural marriages such as the one you propose are higher than if both parties have met during conditions of geographical proximity and parity in age. And yet, we must understand that we cannot imprison people. But the situation can create such conflict and bitterness for both parties; if there are children and custody issues involved, the situation becomes even more exacerbated.

Frankly, I also have great difficulty understanding that you both “love” one another if you haven’t even met face-to-face. The level of projection seems extraordinarily high in this case. I believe that you are “in love,” no doubt, but that mature “love” can only come with spending time and building intimacy together in each other’s presence.

My advice, for whatever it’s worth, would be for you to get to know her IN HER ENVIRONMENT for an extended period of time. I have no idea of your financial situation, except that you have indicated “a limited income.” On the other hand, life in Nepal (Kathmandu?) is not that costly. I would suggest going there for a few months, living near her (if her family is adverse to her spending nights with you at this point) and really try to investigate the relationship on a day-to-day, almost mundane level. It’s one thing to write torrid emails and philosophize on paper, and another one to take out the garbage and go to the market..in Nepal. In addition, when you marry someone, you also marry into his/her family – even if it’s just the extended family. Considering traditional Nepali culture, it would be disrespectful for you not to show up and let her parents/relatives at least express their opinion regarding the union – just like your family has done. What she does with that opinion is her prerogative, but at least you have shown that you do not disregard or minimize her culture and her origin.

As to your “limited income,” to someone from Nepal, that could still represent a very good living. Even my friends in Europe look perplexed when I explain to them how much it really costs to live decently in Los Angeles, what with cars, insurance for everything and limted social services, which Europeans take for granted in their own countries. Many of these things are unknown entities for people of limited means in Asian countries. The economic inequities are so large and the middle-class so small, that to someone in Nepal, your conditions may indeed seem like paradise.

Unfortunately I wish I could be more positive about your newfound happiness. But the differences in age, culture and SES are great, and the failure rates of such marriages are high; you must ask yourself if you are prepared, both mentally and physically, to undertake the sacrifices this union will demand, in order for it to succeed on a long-term basis. Please continue to reflect and research.

Christine Milrod, PhD