Dear Dr Milrod:

I am an older “gentleman”, married, in a no-sex or intimacy relationship with my disabled wife (going on 6 years). I am good friends with a single mother. I help with bills and other stuff to make her life a bit easier. I love her kids and they love me. We have talked of sex but she is adamantly against it, saying, among other things, that she respects my wife too much to have sex with me. (She does not know my wife.) It’s obvious to the gentleman in me that I should just back off. The horny man inside wants it all. Any suggestions?

Cary Grant

Dear Cary Grant:

To me, the deal appears quite clear. She says she doesn’t want to have sex with you because she “respects” your wife too much. That’s one reason. Other reasons might be…that she’s not attracted to you sexually, despite the fact that you are helping her with “bills and other stuff?” And maybe she is being polite in her refusal?

No one is holding a gun to your head in terms of helping her – you decided that on your own. And it seems that you were not doing it initially to have sex with her, but in all sincerity, to help her and her kids (does your wife know about this “help,” I wonder..) So if all of a sudden you want her to “pay back” with some sex that she obviously doesn’t want to engage in, then my suggestion is to stop helping her. Granted, it doesn’t make you look good, but if that’s your feeling, then do it. Nothing worse than having resentments while you’re ostensibly trying to help someone. On the other hand, you could just realize that having sex in exchange for favors or money isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and just live with it and be a charitable person. My honest opinion? If you really want sex so much, come clean to your wife and have a discussion with her about it. Plenty of disabled women can have, and ENJOY, sexual relations. If that’s not possible, then you will need to negotiate for some options. If she gives you permission, find someone else to have sex with – maybe a professional sex worker who won’t confuse “help” with “payment for services.” Perhaps your thinking on all this will become clearer and you’ll be able to make a decision regarding your single mother friend in need.

Christine Milrod, PhD