Dear Dr. Milrod:

When having sex with your wife deteriorates to the point where it grosses you out and you can’t even get an erection- is there any hope at all of reconciliation?

I have  have so little interest left in the marriage that counseling would only be a disservice. If I were seeking counseling now it would be mis-motived and only to use the counselor to help push the marriage in to divorce.  Why still in it everyone asks-  though not a valid reason on some people’s eyes, I do want to wait until last child is off to college which is not so much longer away that I can’t hold on until then.

Our marriage had been sexless many years but for whatever reason, my wife tried to revive that part of our non-relationship the other night.  My little head had no interest at all, and the less it was interested, the more aggressively she tried and the more aggessively she tried, the more repulsed I was by her and could not get my mind off the aggression, her weight, her breath- all the negatives.  Worsened that much more by all the wonderful experiences I’ve had with other women I sought to relieve myself of the sexual tension that just kept building and building.

So, my question is:  should for some reason my heart change and I do elect counseling to try to restore a relationship- can the physical repulsion be turned around too or is that likely to be irreparable? The one interesting outcome of the experience is a new increased respect and sympathy for any escort who can do what she does for a man she is not attracted in any way to.

Finally Had It

Dear Finally Had It:

Your question is,”should for some reason my heart change and I do elect counseling to try to restore a relationship- can the physical repulsion be turned around too or is that likely to be irreparable?”

First of all, if you want to lead an authentic life and not engage in existential “bad faith,” i.e. not LIE TO YOURSELF,’ then you OWE it to YOURSELF to tell your wife that you no longer are turned on by her – for whatever reason – and authentically accept the consequences and the responsibility for listening to her reactions. You are still living with her “until the last child is off to college;” hence, you are using her presence for a purpose. Whether that purpose is altruistic or not is a different story – my suspicion is that you still get some use out of her, although what use is not entirely clear from your posting. In any event, you need to tell her [politely, of course] how you feel about her weight, breath, etc. so that she can internalize the message, process it and either a) do nothing, or b) do something about it. If you don’t, then your lack of honesty and willingness to help your partner realize how she is affecting you is part of a matrix that will propel you into more and more lies – toward yourself. Lying to yourself is a complete waste of human existence; as to your kid(s,) I can only tell you that children are barometers of marriages and they surely notice when something has changed. Ask your kid in 20 years and s/he’ll tell you what s/he observed. Whether or not that is affecting his/her view of marriage in general and laying down a psychological matrix, that’s a different story. But I’m not a big believer in “maintaining” for the children’s sake. If spousal relations are impaired enough, children feel impacted. And again, you are teaching your children a valuable lesson in honesty and self-respect if you make a break rather than fight, sulk, etc. But that depends on the state of your general relations and we’re not talking about that in this posting.

Now this: You are asking for a prediction of how counseling will go and if the “physical repulsion can be turned around.” Delivering such a prediction is impossible. Again, you need to be authentic toward yourself and your own feelings. WHY do you want to be in counseling? Because if you want to get your physical feelings back for your wife, the quickest way for that to happen is for you to engage intimately with her, communicate with her very deeply about your feelings (even if they are negative at the moment) and engage in work TOGETHER to change those feelings. And if you’re willing to do that kind of emotional repair work – which is NOT EASY – then MAYBE you’ll have a chance to turn things around. MAYBE. There certainly are no guarantees. But just going to “counseling” and being in a room with your wife and a third person won’t do much. The work happens outside the therapy room and it has to happen on a daily basis. And it’s very difficult if one holds so much negativity for the other party.

Your “sympathy for any escort” and the reasons why, is a little misplaced. Women’s sexuality is very different from men’s. From a purely physiological perspective women are capable of sex with men to whom they are not in the least bit physically attracted. For a man, that’s nearly an impossibility. For women, it can work just fine. The majority of escorts – at least the ones who operate independently  – have freely chosen to continue their work. While they may not orgasm with every man, they may find the physical sensations of being near a man’s body very pleasant. If they start feeling the way you do for your wife, then they get out of the business…unless they are desperate, of course. In general, women can perform physiologically toward a man who isn’t their physical cup of tea, whereas male sexuality is more visual and depends on deeper visual stimulation to go into gear – particularly for the penis to become erect and stay there for the duration of the event. Drop the guilt, take responsibility for your feelings, communicate them and start the work toward psychological freedom.

Christine Milrod, PhD