Dear Dr Milrod:

I am in my mid-20’s, healthy, and as far as I can tell, everything works normally. I always have a dilemma in my dates. I have the problem of not being able to last very long because everything is so good, but I often finish too early, almost like premature ejaculation, before I can get around to all the activities I want to engage in. To most young guys this isn’t a problem, but when I cum, my sexual ability is pretty much out of commission for a couple of hours. More specifically, that means there is no second pop. Sometimes I can’t even get going again. I want to, but I can’t ever get a second cup.

So my question is, how should I prepare for my dates? Should I not cum (masturbate) for a few days or weeks before a date, or should I increase the amount of times I cum before a date (I had someone tell me the remedy is to have more sex.)? Am I just doomed to this being my body’s natural function or is there something I can do to train myself to either last longer and/or improve my recovery time? It is kind of frustrating because I never know if I should try to hold out and make it last longer or try to get one out early and try to recover and go for 2. I almost have to plan my dates to get everything I want to do in because I know I am limited in my performance.

Additionally I was wondering if it is normal for my mood to change after I cum to the point that I am just not nearly as interested in sex/intimacy after I cum. I have a feeling these 2 things are related and that perhaps my problem is mental. Most guys, from what I can tell, can cum and just keep right on going with their same sex-drive. I feel like sometimes my sex drive is almost killed after I cum. I wish it weren’t that way, but I can’t seem to help it.

Want an Answer

Dear Want an Answer:

If you have an issue with “finishing too early,” my advice to you is to EXPERIMENT. Try masturbating about 5-6 hours [jeez, not days or weeks, that won’t have any effect on your youthful body] before your date, and SEE WHAT HAPPENS. I can’t swear that you’ll last longer – yes, the body does have its own individual rhythm, but if you hang in there, you may catch up at around age 40 or so. Seriously, though, if you want to “last longer,” start practicing squeeze techniques, stopping-starting, TANTRA (East Indian sexual modality, very sensual and works great for some). It’s good to start at an early age…except don’t overdo it, or you could end up in the “I-can’t-come-very-easily-anymore” camp, and then you’ll be miserable for that.

Thing is, nothing at your age is cut and dry. That’s why they call the twenties your experimental years. You’re supposed to experiment. Perhaps that’s not the answer you were looking for, but that’s the way most men learn how to control their ejaculations – by fiddling around with stop-start-stop, squeeze techniques [putting a thumb right under the penishead and squeezing hard, while holding the penis with index and long fingers on the opposite side], pulling out, etc.

One good distractor is focusing on the female. Heck, go down there and munch a little. Most men de-focus on their orgasm that way. At your age, there’s no risk of losing it completely. You can just revv and pull back without being in danger of erectile dysfunction [unless there’s something physically pathogenic, of course.] Practice, practice, practice, eating her out, fingering her, telling her NOT to go crazy with the BJ, lest you should blow, SLOWING DOWN….all these things do help.

As to your disinterest in sex after the deed: that’s completely normal. Some say it has its roots in evolutionary behavior – after you’ve impregnated the female, it’s time to run away from either a)angry cave-husband whose wife you’ve sneakily tried to impregnate; or b) angry animal beast outside trying to rip you to shreds while you should be harpooning the poor critter.

Also, I can guarantee that most guys do NOT “keep right on going with their same sex-drive” after orgasm and/or ejaculation. Most men’s sex drive is seriously muted after cumming. That’s why you hear so many women complaining about snoring boyfriends/husbands, men who don’t want to cuddle, men who just crash, men who are unromantic, etc. Many comedic moments in popular media reflect this behavior. IT’S NORMAL. Do not sweat it. Almost everyone is like you. If they say they’re not, they’re fibbing. Of course there are men who have been very well trained by their female companions to display affectionate behavior after intercourse – but up to a point. Most men just pass out, quite frankly. Or go back to work if they’re playing hooky. Relax, you’re normal.

Christine Milrod, PhD