Dear Dr. Milrod:

I have a great deal of endurance when I make love. But part of the joy of pleasing a woman is to also have an orgasm with her about the same time. The woman I am says she is multiorgasmic, and I am not. I feel that if I cannot reciprocate, then she will feel as if she is not special. How can I come when she says, “Come for me?”

Donovan

Dear Donovan:

One thing is certain, and that is that it is impossible for men and women to orgasm on command. That’s why statements like “come for me” are ludicrous, hackneyed and mean absolutely nothing in the larger scope of things. People come when they come, period. Generally speaking, a man will orgasm and/or ejaculate when sufficiently stimulated. Hence, if the condom is reducing sensitivity, or if the person you’re engaging with is not sexually stimulating to you, then perhaps you will have difficulty orgasming. If this is situational and depends on your attraction to your sex partner, then you probably can’t expect to climax so readily with someone you’re not into 100%. Or, you could suffer from performance anxiety and clam up. There are so many reasons why people don’t have orgasms. But one thing is an absolute: No one can have an orgasm on command. That’s not how the brain works and we can’t expect for it to happen.

The whole issue about “reciprocate” and “feel as if she is not special” should be laid to rest. Yes, of course it’s nice to have a simultaneous orgasm, but then again, that’s something promoted by Masters and Johnson and not really replicated either statistically or in biology for that matter. If you really want to come – ignore her, ignore the world, disappear in your own erotic haze and focus on your own pleasure. Above all, forget about the “endurance.” Most women do not appreciate sex being treated as an endurance test. In fact, a guy who gets so into it that he comes after two minutes with a total smile on his face is preferable to someone who makes the sex act into a sweaty marathon just to get off. So my suggestion is to get into your own space and try to relax. If the condom is reducing sensitivity and you know it’s going to be a problem, then get some manual or oral stimulation (bareback if you are monogamous) and then finish intravaginally.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.