Dear Dr. Milrod:<\/p>\n
Do you have any knowledge about how long the increase in dopamine and serotonin lasts when you are in an intensely emotional and sexual relationship? \u00a0Is it weeks, months, or years? Is there a difference between men and women?\u00a0Once the cascade falls off, can it reoccur for the same couple? \u00a0Is that unlikely because other neurotransmitters take over?<\/p>\n
Is there a way to bring on the dopamine and serotonin in a long-term relationship? \u00a0I am married 20 years. The reality is that my wife rarely wants to be sexual more than five or six times per year. I almost don\u2019t have the willpower any more not to cheat.<\/p>\n
Almost Desperate<\/p>\n
Dear Almost Desperate:<\/p>\n
Studies of passionate infatuation show that this euphoric state lasts approxmately six to eight months. During that time, if lovers become separated, they go through something very similar to drug withdrawal symptoms. And when human lovebirds reunite, the oxytocin-dopamine rush returns, which suppresses the worry and anxiety and reinforces those in-love circuits of the brain. But the hormone rushes of dopamine in the brain gradually calm down. The pair becomes “securely” attached to one another. Scientists have posited that the \u201cattachment network\u201d is a separate brain system \u2013 one that replaces the intensity of romance with a more lasting sense of peace, calm and connection. The attachment and pair-bonding system regularly triggers the release of more of the bonding chemical oxytocin, keeping partners seeking the pleasure of each other\u2019s company over and over. When researchers at a London university scanned the brains of people who were in love relationships for an average of 2.3 years, they found that, rather than the dopamine-producing brain circuits of passionate love, other brain areas, such as those linked to critical judgment, lit up. Mature love moves into a new, more long-term phase, with bonds forged by oxytocin in women, and vasopressin in men.<\/p>\n
Maybe some would disagree, but I don’t think it is entirely possible to bring those early dopamine swings back into the relationship. Habituation has done its work. That’s why you may have to “trick” your brain and bring in mood enhancers such as sexy lingerie, a mild stimulant like a glass of wine, romantic vacations, sexy films, games, etc., primarily to make the woman’s amygdalic activity subside so she can get relaxed and become a little more sexually available. The problem you are describing is almost hard-wired into the human species. After those six to eight passionate months, most women’s brains are primed for eventual childbirth and taking care of the young. And most men’s brains are designed to go out there and pollinate as much as possible, regardless of who’s being born when. These are very primal brain circuits, and we as modern-day humans are constantly striving to override our genetic destiny. Sometimes it works very well, and sometimes not at all. In terms of women’s sexual desire with long-term partners, we haven’t yet figured out how to make some women tick. Women have the deck stacked against them, in comparison to the male sex drive. Women simply can’t compete in the desire department. What’s interesting is that many men are creatures of convenience, and would enjoy having sex with the same woman day in and day out if she were 100% available. But alas, many women lose desire for their partners during the remainder of the relationship, after those 6-8 months, or after those 2-3 years. It’s neurochemical, and it’s powerful.<\/p>\n
As to your “willpower,” I think you need to face the fact that you are a normal male, and not some type of recovering sex addict. It is not normal for men to have any kind of sexual experience only 5-6 times per year, self-pleasuring included. It is unrealistic and cruel to subject a man to such an “inorganic” schedule. If that is your wife’s position, you need to have a serious discussion with her about the disparity and what it’s doing to your brain. Maybe you can make efforts as per her requirements so that she is feeling sexy, taken care of, and can get in the mood. Otherwise, you might be “cheating” with some regularity for many years to come.<\/p>\n
Christine Milrod, Ph.D.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Dr. Milrod: Do you have any knowledge about how long the increase in dopamine and serotonin lasts when you are in an intensely emotional and sexual relationship? \u00a0Is it weeks, months, or years? Is there a difference between men and women?\u00a0Once the cascade falls off, can it reoccur for the same couple? \u00a0Is that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-601","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-qa"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sexandlifecoaching.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/601","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sexandlifecoaching.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sexandlifecoaching.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sexandlifecoaching.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sexandlifecoaching.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=601"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/sexandlifecoaching.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/601\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":774,"href":"https:\/\/sexandlifecoaching.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/601\/revisions\/774"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sexandlifecoaching.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=601"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sexandlifecoaching.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=601"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sexandlifecoaching.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=601"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}