I couldn’t get an erection with unfamiliar women!

Dear Dr. Milrod:

I am a businessman, married for nearly 20 years to a very attractive and petite woman. I went on business trips and became unfaithful out of desperation because of inactivity at home. I was with two women from other companies and was not able to perform with either, although there was a definite physical attraction and I did enjoy the time spent with them. When I’m at home with my wife on the rare occasion that she’s feeling frisky, it’s one touch and I’m at full attention. It’s almost as if the wife has a remote control that she uses when I’m away from home. What does this mean?

Walt Brown

Dear Walt Brown:

It seems to me that you are conflicted about the infidelity and that you would rather be with your “inactive” wife, because you find her alluring and exciting! There is nothing wrong with your desire. Not everyone is able to sleep with complete strangers. Sex should be fun and easy, not something forced and strained. My suggestion is that you discuss your dilemma with your wife. Tell her that you have become very desperate. You don’t need to go into your exploits, but tell her that she is so ravishing that you still, after 20 years, have the hots for her and that you’re not getting enough. Or, maybe you already have had this conversation with her. What did/does she bring to the discussion? Does she have a medical or emotional problem she’s not disclosing to you? Is she heading for menopause?

Meanwhile, here is something related for you ALL to chew on: In the most recent journal Nature, German researchers found that a woman’s sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship. Researchers from the Hamburg-Eppendorf University in Germany found that four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex. The researchers interviewed 530 men and women about their relationships. Conversely, the team found a man’s libido remained the same regardless of how long he had been in a relationship. According to evolutionary psychology, the plausible explanation is that for men, a good reason their sexual motivation to remain constant would be to guard against being cuckolded by another male. Women have evolved to have a high sex drive when they are initially in a relationship in order to form a “pair bond” with their partner. Once this bond is sealed, a woman’s sexual appetite declines. It was found that 60% of 30-year-old women wanted sex “often” at the beginning of a relationship, but within four years of the relationship this figure fell to under 50%, and after 20 years it dropped to about 20%. In contrast, they found the proportion of men wanting regular sex remained at between 60-80%, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship. The study did reveal that tenderness was important for women in a relationship. About 90% of women wanted tenderness, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship, but only 25% of men who had been in a relationship for 10 years said they were still seeking tenderness from their partner.

So this may have something to do with it! The “remote control” that your wife has, is simply her feeling that you’ll be there for her sexually, no matter what. Also, remember this: the one who controls the sex is the one who controls the relationship. On the other hand, if you feel that your relations with your wife are more or less doomed, you’ll most likely stray. In the end, desperation and lack of sexual contact will drive you to seeking more – and eventually, you may meet someone who rocks your boat so powerfully that you’ll sail away, to the dismay of you, your wife and your marital relationship.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

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