Dear Dr Milrod:

My issue is one of being turned on more by the hunt/chase of the opposite sex rather then the actual act of sex. I have a hard time getting into serious long-term relationships, not because I don’t want to be in them, but for a reason I can’t quite understand. When people initially meet and begin to date, there is that mutual attraction between them with the flirting, the teasing, and the posibility of the unknown. A few dates go by and things become more and more physical – you finally have sex. Say the two of you decide that this is the beginning of a relationship that neither of you expected, but you feel like it could be something you both could enjoy, so you go for it. For me this is where the problem begins. Things start to go sour, and the whole thing eventually implodes and you both go your separate ways. It’s a rut I can’t get out of; there is nothing else for me. Should I start over with someone else? It sure feels like it.

Geoff, 42

Dear Geoff,

I would suspect that many, many people in the Western world share your feelings and your concerns. In today’s day and age, what is really required from all of us in the relationship arena? We definitely don’t need each other to have children – you can fix that with adoption, inseminations, single biological parenthood, etc. We also don’t need to stay together for financial reasons. The subsistence farms are long gone, women have their own financial resources, and theoretically, you could stay inside of your own four walls 24 hours/day and still be a functioning member of society, should you so desire.

In agrarian civilizations, people still depend on extended families to survive. We don’t even depend on the nuclear family to stay alive. And that’s my point. Our impetus for “banding together” is gone. Now being partnered is called “a choice.” So the push isn’t quite there. I believe that whole skewing toward singlehood, at least in the larger metropolitan areas, has profoundly changed our relationship dynamics. Yes, we still have our sex drives to contend with and satisfy, but the ‘cost’ to do so in terms of financial and emotional sacrifices has greatly lessened. Imagine the post-war 1950s: frequently, heterosexuals got married right out of high school or during the first years of college. Women often dropped out to support their husbands through graduation. Divorce really didn’t come around until after the launch of the Pill in the 1960s. Hence, the ‘value’ of a relationship was high and real. But what does it mean in terms of cost-benefit ratio to you?

Perhaps what you need to assess within yourself is your motivation to have a lasting relationship at all. Is it necessary for you emotionally? Financially? What are your views of women? And finally and most importantly: Are you willing to make the sacrifices and compromises required to make a relationship work?

From a purely biological standpoint, our bodies are constructed in a most ingenious way. We are designed to procreate, and neurotransmitters and hormones are built into our systems to ensure precisely that. So when you first meet someone, your dopamine receptors act in certain ways – interestingly, if you really ‘fall’ for someone, you experience a dopamine deficiency when you’re not together – the levels of phenylethylalanine (PEA) rise in your brain, inducing all sorts of pleasurable, lust-filled feelings…and that goes on for about a year to 18 months. And suddenly it’s gone! One of the reasons for the presence of these brain chemicals is to induce us to engage in sexual procreative activities as much as possible so that an impregnation will take place, and a little consequence will pop out in due time. But when the brain chemicals are gone – and they will be, even in the most determined, love-crazed human being – then reality sets in. And reality is frequently boring and uninteresting. Your partner smells sometimes. Your partner has nothing to say, or even says irritating things. S/he used to sound so cute, remember? Now the person snores, has PMS, bad breath, bad taste, you name it. That is the “sour” part. And that’s when most ‘in-love’ junkies check out. Why should they stay on if there’s no real need? Now, those who can tolerate the pain and disappointment of realizing that their partner is human and still stick with him/her, their reward is the experience of reciprocated, deepened human emotion. It’s not “sex,” but it may be “love.”

Love is comprised of many conscious acts – many sacrifices, many compromises, many decisions that are not fun, or remotely have to do with what we popularly think of as “love.” And in that sense, it is work. But if you plug away at it with dedication and belief, you may glimpse “lifelong intimacy” and enjoy a lasting bond with another human being.

Many of these existential questions start showing up on the radar screen when we reach middle age and begin to take stock of our lives. There are also studies that consistently show that married men live longer, are healthier and generally more pleased with their lives than unmarried ones. For some older men, the reality of being unattached can bring on unexpected issues. Once those levels of testosterone die down, once the thrill is gone, the chase is over, some experience emptiness inside. Perhaps it is the missing intimacy that shines through. This does not necessarily represent a major tragedy – it becomes more like a lingering melancholy and wistfulness over long lost conquests or The One That Got Away. This is when many men either throw themselves frantically into a last stab at being swinging bachelors, or, they bite the bullet and try to live with some realistic choices. So you need to ask yourself some questions and then give yourself some honest answers.

Christine Milrod, PhD

Dear Dr. Milrod:

I have two children, a son 11, and a daughter in elementary school. My daughter has a developmental disability whereas my son’s child development has been normal. He is a bright boy, athletic, active and happy. He plays computer games and does the usual boy things with his friends from school. At night, my wife puts our children to bed – ours. She has been doing that for as far back as I can remember. This has resulted in no private sex life for us as a couple. While it’s been so long that I’m no longer upset about it and have accepted it as fact, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s normal to have an 11-year-old boy in bed with his mother.  He is beginning to sprout hair on his legs and he is tall for his age. I have raised the issue with my wife but she refuses to listen, claiming that it’s natural and healthy for the kids to sleep next to her. Is this really so?

Henrik, 50

Dear Henrik:

You are correct in assuming that it is neither recommended nor psychologically healthy for your son to sleep in his mother’s bed at the age of 11. While longitudinal research has shown that children up to 6 years of age have had no psychological or developmental consequences from parental co-sleeping, a boy of 11 years is another matter. From a biopsychosocial perspective, he is entering puberty and adolescence. Not only will his secondary sex characteristics such as hair on his legs and face begin to manifest, he is also going to experience an increased frequency of erections, both during waking and sleeping and also nocturnal emissions, i.e. “wet dreams.” From a social perspective, he will begin to establish his independence from his mother while there will be a simultaneous need for increased peer interaction. There will also be an increased need for privacy, in which he can become familiar with his sexual impulses, his preferred way of masturbating and sexual fantasizing. It is highly inappropriate that he experience this with his mother next to him, as it could needlessly stimulate him, confuse him and even make him feel guilty and somewhat “wrong” about doing what is otherwise developmentally healthy. In addition, the possible erotic stimulation of being near his mother could set him on an atypical sexual scripting path that might discourage him from eventually engaging in healthy sexual interaction with his peers, be they of opposite or same-sex orientation.

You will need to discuss this with your wife; after all, it is possible that she is having some abandonment or attachment issues that have influenced her to seek comfort in an affectionate relationship with her children. Even your daughter, regardless of her disability, needs to learn how to sleep in her own bed. For now, the behavior must be stopped and some in-depth communication must occur so that your wife understands the inappropriate and possibly damaging effects of her preference.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Milrod:

I’m a single Dad in my early 40s with a pre-teen daughter. In our sessions, we’ve mostly been discussing my issues, but I really want to know – what is your philosophy on sex education of children?

Paul D, West LA

Dear Paul:

In terms of childhood sexuality, it is my belief that while parents who came of age in the 1980s are more informed about sexuality than any previous generation, their offspring are receiving conflicting messages about sexuality, ranging from polyamory to abstinence. On one hand, parents of young children worry incessantly about sexual predators and deviants lurking not only in the streets, but also on the ever-present Internet on various sites targeted toward the young. On the other, children are living in a heavily sexualized culture where eroticized dolls and new mutations of adolescent singers of both genders are out to sell the message of seduction. In addition, sex play/erotic relations between ever-younger children are taking shape in cyberspace, via text messaging, chatting and in playing games where no physical contact is needed. Against this background, I believe that children are struggling to make sense of their growing bodies, their sexual responses and the evolution of their own desires. Sexual role modeling comes less and less from parents and more from the media, intent on selling and promoting a specific type of desirable sexuality which is more void of intimacy and emotional connection than ever. More than ever before, American society has become extremely polarized and I believe that sex education needs to incorporate various non-judgmental presentations of both physical and emotional components of sexuality, particularly directed at young people.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Milrod:

I am a 30 year old normal, average guy. Recently I come to find out that there  is this fat girl at my job who wants to date me. I am not attracted to her, mainly because she is about 5’7” but weighs at least 140 pounds. I told a co-worker that I wasn’t attracted to her, and she said I shouldn’t judge. Am I a bad person for not wanting to be with someone that I dont find attractive? What am I supposed to do? Feel sorry for her? If you have a pretty face, and you let yourself go, that is your problem, not mine!

Rick T.

Dear Rick T:

First of all, there is no official directive that tells you that you are “supposed to feel sorry for fat women.” Women come in all sorts of permutations – in fact, there doesn’t even seem to be an agreement of what is considered “a fat woman.” Granted, there is the governmental definition of obese, so if you are talking about obese people, then you can feel both sorry and alarmed, since it’s a medical condition that qualifies for help. But if you are talking the movie star definition of what’s fat, then 99% of the American population will qualify as fat, in comparison to the seriously anorexic movie and television star ideal that presently reigns in mass media. Fatness is culturally determined, don’t forget that. What we think is “fat” qualifies as erotic and attractive in some other cultures. Also, some men are genuinely attracted to women who are considered “fat” in the dominant culture; however, you may not be one of them – and that’s fine. Evolution has selected for traits in men that prefer women that are somewhere in the middle – not too fat, not too skinny. The key is the WHR, the waist-to-hip ratio which is a reliable indicator of fertility. Thus, a woman can be plump rather than skinny – as long as she has a small waist, men will find her attractive. It is only in a culture of overabundance such as ours that preferences for skinny women have evolved, mainly as a resistance to the fertility difficulties that obese women face. Men are hardwired to breed, breed and breed, so that’s pretty much a no-brainer. But certainly, things have gotten out of hand and now visual images are filled with anorexics who are not necessarily healthy or fertile, judging from all the assisted reproduction going on, even with young women who under normal circumstances would never have problems conceiving.

Now, back to your specific dilemma. You are entitled to your opinion and preference, but why discuss it with people at work? This is bound to cause controversy, not only because it’s the workplace and such things should NOT be discussed in a professional environment, but also because you chose to open up to the girl’s friend. That was a mistake. In doing so, you triggered her friend’s defenses. You denigrated, however subtly, the woman by indicating your lack of attraction for her. Her friend defended her and now you feel slighted in turn.You are not “a bad guy” and you are not supposed to go out with someone you don’t feel attracted to – that would be disingenuous. But by the same token, you also need to examine your belief that fat women “let themselves go,” or even that this particular woman of above average height is “fat” at 140 lbs. It is true that many people lack the discipline that staying within recommended weight ranges demand in our society. But the problem is multi-factorial; to blame it on some kind of moral failing or laziness is just not intelligent. In fact, to me, this represents another kind of laziness, meaning one who is not really interested in finding out medical facts but simply looks at the superfice of it all and assumes that all fat women are lazy and don’t go to the gym.

Hence:

1. Quit discussing personal matters at work, no matter how boring it gets;

2. Get on line and begin reading up on the root causes of obesity. You will see that in our society where genes conflict with our lack of mobility, many people – not just women – will have weight problems;

3. Try to engage your thinking on a deeper level – ask yourself what is it that triggers these emotions in you? Oftentimes, when we displace anger on a particular group of people, it’s because we are dissatisfied with something in ourselves, whether it be appearance or abilities. Do you look like a perfect movie star? Are you flawless, in your mind?

4. And finally, realize that there are preferences for everything and anything. There are so many more important things to worry about. For now, just count your blessings if you don’t have to concern yourself with body weight, even if you can’t “feel sorry” for those who are less fortunate, no matter what their gender.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Milrod:

I am 28 years old and in a great relationship with a girl I’m planning to marry. Recently, we’ve had some sexual difficulties and we want to get them resolved. It turns out that my girlfriend complains about my super hard-on. She says it’s really painful. Is this really possible?

Carter

Dear Carter:

It may not be the erection itself that hurts your female partner – it’s the propulsion with which you force the rock hard object into the vaginal cavity. If she is not sufficiently lubricated, then it’s going to hurt having something go in and out with some pressure and force. Another possibility is that if you are in a position where you penetrate her deeply, you may be bumping into her cervix, which can also cause pain. Lastly, one issue may be if you are taking meds for erectile dysfunction. Oftentimes, this can turn an erection into a very hard penis; in fact, some men report feelings of near numbness or a “woody” penis, which can reduce sensation and cause you to push too hard to experience excitement and orgasm. Please take it very slow and make sure you excite her so that she will lubricate naturally (use extra waterbased lube if you are wearing a condom), and that her vagina will expand naturally and make room for the penile propulsion.

Christine Milrod, PhD

Dear Dr. Milrod:

My wife and I just found out that we are expecting a boy. Needless to say, we are overjoyed, however, we have this nagging issue of circumcision to deal with. I’m Jewish and my wife is Latina and Catholic. Neither one of us really care about religious traditions, but both sets of in-laws are now pestering us about the whole circumcision issue. Her parents don’t want it, while mine insist on a bris with all the trimmings.There is some controversy regarding circumcised vs uncircumcised penises. I heard about some studies that showed circumcision to reduce the risk of HIV. My question to you is, are there any substantiated health benefits to having a circumcised penis?

Harvey in the Hamptons

Dear Harvey in the Hamptons:

Adult male circumcision has been found to reduce the risk of acquiring HIV in men by around 55-60% in three randomized trial studies in Uganda, South Africa and Kenya, where HIV/AIDS is endemic. Heterosexual vaginal intercourse is the predominant mode of HIV transmission in these countries.
The studies found that circumcision did not provide complete protection against HIV, however the researchers concluded that circumcision reduced the risk of HIV acquisition in the study groups. While there were high rates of HIV acquisition in both arms of these studies – the circumcised and the uncircumcised – rates were lower in the former group. The results of the studies do suggest that widespread circumcision in Africa could reduce HIV transmission by hundreds of thousands. And while consideration is being given to implementing such programs in African countries, relying mainly on circumcision to prevent HIV presents some problems:

If more men decide not to use condoms because they have been circumcised, HIV transmission may increase.
Male circumcision has no effect on women’s HIV risk.
Circumcision may reduce women’s ability to negotiate condom use.
Circumcision is a complex cultural practice, with identity and religious connotations in many cultures.

Now I believe that parents in the US should NOT consider the results of these studies as a reason to have their child circumcised. Looking at heterosexual transmission in the United States, the protective factor for the male partner is very low (and again, male circumcision has no direct effect on female partners’ risk). An American male heterosexual, non-injecting drug user’s risk of HIV infection is very low. These low rates of transmission and risk do not justify widespread circumcision in the general population of the United States.

Circumcision for men who have sex with men is slightly more controversial. HIV risk is highest for the receptive partner during male-to-male anal intercourse, and research shows that most men who have sex with men will be both a receptive and insertive partner. For the realtively small number of men who are only insertive partners and who engage in unprotected anal intercourse with casual partners, circumcision may have a protective effect.
Circumcision does not prevent HIV; further, male circumcision has been shown to have no effect on transmission through receptive anal sex, which is the most common SEXUAL risk activity for HIV transmission in the US. Circumcision has no significant impact for heterosexual or homosexual transmission of HIV in the United States. Finally, condoms are still the most effective means of preventing sexual transmission of HIV and other STDs.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Milrod:

This is probably an all too common question but I was wondering how long is too long to wait for a monogamous relationship? Let’s say you are in love with a wonderful guy/girl who treats you like a prince/princess and everything is top notch (i.e. sex, intelligence, enjoying time together), but the other person is just not ready to make the commitment. How do you know when it’s time to ask?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

I don’t think there is a specific amount of time to wait for someone to ‘become’ monogamous. Remember, it’s the person you are asking something from, not ‘the relationship,’ which in this sense becomes an abstract agreement between two individuals. If monogamy is important to you, you’ll need to let the other party know. As to when you should ask the question – it depends on your level of comfort with the person. Note that I did not say “your level of desire” in this case. You can have tremendous attraction to a person and still not feel intimate or trusting enough to ask for a commitment. And, if the person has stated to you that s/he is not ready to make a commitment, it depends on what you want. If you are willing to wait, then wait. If not, then move on. As to how long you should wait – perhaps until it doesn’t feel good waiting anymore.

On an anecdotal level, I have found that people who state that they are not ready to make a commitment to monogamy rarely are, and that they do not change – at least not until the next prospect comes along. Now, women tend to want exclusive pair bonding much sooner than men in a relationship, whether gay/lesbian or heterosexual. Sometimes it’s good to keep that in mind and not push; when you start feeling uncomfortable, ask the question and then deal with your feelings, depending on the answer. If it’s a young man you are asking about, then yes, chances are he’s not ready for “a commitment.” Some individuals are like in the Roy Lichtenstein cartoon paintings; all of a sudden, there’ll be a talk-bubble above their heads, saying, “Oh wow, I forgot to get married!” And then they’ll grab the first one that seems reasonably suitable. I have seen this behavior among middle-aged men. It’s like a stampede! But before then – Ms. Right could come along and it doesn’t matter one whit

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Milrod:

I am a businessman, married for nearly 20 years to a very attractive and petite woman. I went on business trips and became unfaithful out of desperation because of inactivity at home. I was with two women from other companies and was not able to perform with either, although there was a definite physical attraction and I did enjoy the time spent with them. When I’m at home with my wife on the rare occasion that she’s feeling frisky, it’s one touch and I’m at full attention. It’s almost as if the wife has a remote control that she uses when I’m away from home. What does this mean?

Walt Brown

Dear Walt Brown:

It seems to me that you are conflicted about the infidelity and that you would rather be with your “inactive” wife, because you find her alluring and exciting! There is nothing wrong with your desire. Not everyone is able to sleep with complete strangers. Sex should be fun and easy, not something forced and strained. My suggestion is that you discuss your dilemma with your wife. Tell her that you have become very desperate. You don’t need to go into your exploits, but tell her that she is so ravishing that you still, after 20 years, have the hots for her and that you’re not getting enough. Or, maybe you already have had this conversation with her. What did/does she bring to the discussion? Does she have a medical or emotional problem she’s not disclosing to you? Is she heading for menopause?

Meanwhile, here is something related for you ALL to chew on: In the most recent journal Nature, German researchers found that a woman’s sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship. Researchers from the Hamburg-Eppendorf University in Germany found that four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex. The researchers interviewed 530 men and women about their relationships. Conversely, the team found a man’s libido remained the same regardless of how long he had been in a relationship. According to evolutionary psychology, the plausible explanation is that for men, a good reason their sexual motivation to remain constant would be to guard against being cuckolded by another male. Women have evolved to have a high sex drive when they are initially in a relationship in order to form a “pair bond” with their partner. Once this bond is sealed, a woman’s sexual appetite declines. It was found that 60% of 30-year-old women wanted sex “often” at the beginning of a relationship, but within four years of the relationship this figure fell to under 50%, and after 20 years it dropped to about 20%. In contrast, they found the proportion of men wanting regular sex remained at between 60-80%, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship. The study did reveal that tenderness was important for women in a relationship. About 90% of women wanted tenderness, regardless of how long they had been in a relationship, but only 25% of men who had been in a relationship for 10 years said they were still seeking tenderness from their partner.

So this may have something to do with it! The “remote control” that your wife has, is simply her feeling that you’ll be there for her sexually, no matter what. Also, remember this: the one who controls the sex is the one who controls the relationship. On the other hand, if you feel that your relations with your wife are more or less doomed, you’ll most likely stray. In the end, desperation and lack of sexual contact will drive you to seeking more – and eventually, you may meet someone who rocks your boat so powerfully that you’ll sail away, to the dismay of you, your wife and your marital relationship.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Milrod:

My girlfriend is a very energetic and dominant woman so she likes to get on top and is very physical about it. So much so that I hit her pelvic bones and she doesn’t care. But it hurts me! Lately, I’ve been asking her if I could get on top and do missionary or doggy style so I can control the pace, but I still end up hitting her bones a bit.  I have never been with other women where this happened. Is it because she’s too thin?

I’m Worried

Dear I’m Worried:

It could be that you are naturally slightly “misaligned.” Is it because she’s too thin? Maybe. I haven’t seen her, so I can’t tell. Perhaps you’re on the slim side too? Most guys with a little extra padding across their pelvic region don’t endure this problem.

It could also be your stature vs hers. Sometimes height, torso length, etc. can play a part in the mechanics. But do not despair. Here’s what you could do:

Since you do like her so much, I suggest telling her – with some charm and levity – that your bones keep crashing into one another and that you go home with some sore spots. Most likely, she’ll be concerned and very willing to resolve the problem. There are other positions you can do: scissor, she on a bathroom/kitchen sink with you standing, or she on her stomach lying down completely flat, with your penis between her buttocks. If you still have pain after mutual experimentation in many different positions, then maybe she does need to eat more food. Maybe she needs to go slower. You can tell her that too. Some tantrically inspired sex might honor the Indian tradition – and give you more pain-free pleasure.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Milrod:

There must be thousands of books on menopause, and yet in some ways it still seems a mystery.  Women can get it as early as 45, and it can last anywhere from 2 to 15 years, no?  Or are there no rules?  Does sexual desire always decline in women during/after menopause?  Are exceptions frequent? I am a “mature” man, and although my frequency and quality of performance have declined inevitably with the passage of time, my desire is almost as keen and returns quickly after a good session with a new partner.  Do men produce more testosterone than women when they reach their late 50s-60s?  It would seem so, and women who use testosterone to get back their libido seem to run a high risk of cancer. True? Older men seem much more sexual than their wives, but there is often a lot more going on than just testosterone, e. g. happiness in the marriage/relationship, developing outside interests beyond sex, where women seem more adept at this than men.

Polo Player

Dear Polo Player:

A complete reply would indeed fill several volumes, so I’ll just address a few of your key questions: Women can enter the peri-menopausal stage as early as 35…or as late as 50. Literally, the word “menopause” means complete cessation of menses, i.e. the monthly period. That stage is preceded by years of “peri” menopause, meaning “around” the menopausal years. It is during that stage that women’s hormones go up, down, sideways, backwards, and begin to affect mood, appearance, health, etc. The peri-menopausal years can stretch 10-15 years. It’s not an exact and predictable event, and many women are unaware of their own condition.

DNA governs fecundity in humans. Menarche [first period] and reproductive capacities are largely heritable. So you could have a whole family of women who started their perimenopausal years around 35-40, and another where menopause came much later in life. But generally, we’re all pre-menopausal before 35, unless there is some unusual condition like ovarian failure and the like. Such unusual conditions would be the “exceptions.”

It is absolutely impossible to parallel men’s testosterone levels with that of women’s. Women make testosterone principally in their adrenals, men in their gonads. Cut a man’s testicles off, and his testosterone levels will plummet to near zero. Hence, healthy men always produce incomparably more testosterone than women. Testosterone is an androgen, meaning a male hormone. The fact that women produce the small amount they do is good, because that is what’s largely responsible for their sexual urges in the long run.

As for women taking testosterone, another danger is liver damage, not just cancer. But you’d have to take very high levels for many years to run the risk. Remember that there are many women out there who transition from female to male [FTM transsexuals.] They inject bi-weekly with enough testosterone to masculinize their bodies completely, including growing beards, deepening their voices, putting on muscle mass, etc. If they are under responsible medical care, they get their liver enzymes monitored and go through blood testing on a regular basis. But a woman who is merely interested in regaining some of her sexual desire will most often go on a patch containing minute amounts of testosterone…not enough to see a cancer-related cause and effect.

Recent research points to the fact that many post-menopausal women, despite hormonal patches, pills and creams containing both estrogen and testosterone, fail to demonstrate increased sex drives. This has lead researchers to ponder the eternal question – what makes a woman truly horny? My bet is on the LH surge – the lutenizing hormone surge involving an intricate dance between estrogen and progesterone that women experience just prior to ovulation. Nature, in its infinite wisdom, encourages “horniness” in women right before they are about to pop that monthly egg, just so that we all can get fruitful and multiply. But to create that natural surge in post-menopausal women is like trying to direct a Shostakovich symphony in the dark with no baton. Women, due to their double X chromosomes are extremely individual, and what works for one woman may not work for another. Since men are X-chromosomally challenged in comparison, there is less variance, and medical interference creates a more uniform response.

On the whole, men will usually be more libidinous than women, thanks to much higher testosterone levels. Now, “does sexual desire always decline in women during/after menopause?” Not always. Some women report increased sexual desire, since their testosterone levels remain constant before, during and after menopause. Their estrogen and progesterone levels do decline, thereby no longer opposing testosterone levels. This is why some post-menopausal women masculinize in appearance, lose hair on the head, sprout some extra on the chin, get thicker in the waist, etc. Meanwhile, their testosterone levels pretty much remain constant, since the principal amount of testosterone is made in their adrenal glands. With the dampening effect of estrogen and progesterone gone, some women do get hornier indeed! Of course, such women may have to obtain some local estrogenic lubricant to prevent vaginal tissues from atrophy, which could make sex painful.

Yes, there are other things in marriage/relationships beyond sex. Yes, women do seem more adept at creating non-sexual relations than men. Again, they are hormonally primed for such tasks, what with higher production of oxytocin, capacity for childbirth, etc. Estrogen, the principal female hormone also affects women, prompting them to bond, not just with men, but also with other women. We see this in men who become women, i.e. male-to-female (MTF) transsexuals. Once on the appropriate feminizing hormones, e.g. estrogen, progesterone and anti-androgens (testosterone suppressants,) they can go from being the horniest person in the world, to just wanting to sit at home and cuddle with someone in front of the fireplace.

Finally, don’t think that men are entirely safe from the ravages of time. Andrology – a burgeoning field, and a way to medicalize, and perhaps profit from, men’s natural developmental trajectory – has now given you the condition of andropause. Yes, men go through a “change of life” as well. Perhaps not as radical, but enough for pharmaceutical companies to release testosterone patches, shots for men and HGH (human growth hormones) for the worried well.

Christine Milrod, Ph.D.